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Showing posts from 2012

Dear Oliver -

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It is amazing how so many things can change in such a small amount of time. We found out we were pregnant on a Thursday, went to the doctor and heard your heartbeat a week later. Normally, they make you wait, but because I miscarried a sibling of yours years prior they wanted to check me out right away. About 2 weeks later, your Dad and I went to another appointment and were told that everything looked great. You were about 10 weeks along at that point. They asked if we wanted the genetic testing at 12 weeks and we declined because we thought that nothing could go wrong. I changed my mind a week later because I wanted more pictures of you in my belly and I made the appointment. It didn't take but a second for the sonographer to see something was wrong. This was supposed to be a fun ultrasound appointment to get more pictures. My heart instantly broke, my greatest fear came true, that at some point you wouldn't be with us for as long as we wanted you to. From that point on we pr

My Christmas Wish

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Christmas will be 8 & 1/2 weeks since we had our hello/goodbye with our handsome baby boy I wish for... Strength, Health & Love A long lasting & strong marriage Guidance on this journey of grief & loss Health for my family old & new The best for all my friends I wish that no other mother will have to go through this heartache I wish that no other mother will have to say goodbye to their baby, before the even have the chance to say hello I wish that no other mother will have to go through this painful journey I wish to see my son again.  {I love you Oliver, Merry Christmas}

The Genetics Appointment

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Thursday was the genetics appointment. I was hoping that after this appointment there would be some type of closure, that there would be an answer as to why I had to lose my son. Clearly, this was not the case. The purpose of this referral from my doctor, was to confirm that this was not a genetic syndrome, that what has happened to Oliver was a "fluke", for lack of a better term, that the chances of this happening again would be close to none. But then again, it should have never happened in the first place. Oliver should be here, he should be 7 weeks and 2 days old. The appointment was about 30-40 minutes long, with the same things being said over and over again. There was no answer, no closure, nothing. It could be a chromosomal syndrome, that was not discovered when they tested his chromosomes from the amnio. Something smaller within the individual chromosomes themselves, even though he had a normal number of chromosomes. It could be a gene that both Andrew and I

I am Oliver's Mom

Oliver was with me for 34 weeks and 5 days. I felt him move, I listened to his heartbeat, I watched him on the sonograms, and I held him in my arms. He may not be here with us anymore but he is always with us in our hearts and souls. I will forever be his mother. I still wake up in the middle of the night expecting to hear a baby crying, needing me. I carry the feeling that I am forgetting something all day. His room is still set up. He has clothes in his closet. His urn is in our bedroom. The blanket and pillow he had in the hospital stays in the bed between our pillows. I say good morning and good night to him with a kiss every day. I talk to him whenever I can. I tell him how much I love him. He may not be here - but I am a mother - his mother. We have a relationship that no one can take away. We have a special bond, a bond only a mother and child share. When a child dies, that doesn't take away that bond, it doesn't mean you are no longer a mother, it means you are now the

Oliver's Due Date & Our "I Do's"

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Today should have been the day we prepared to meet our precious son, but that day has already passed. We have been looking forward to this day since we found out we were pregnant with Oliver & wanted to keep this day special. We have decided to say Our I Do's  on this day because of our beautiful son. It has been 5 weeks and 1 day. Yet, it feels like just yesterday that we had our hello/goodbye. A tiny, beautiful, and amazing baby boy was with us in the womb for 34 weeks & 5 days, in our arms for only a day, and forever in our hearts. He was with us for such a short time - but has made an impact that will last a lifetime. { We love you Oliver }

4 Weeks Later - Thanksgiving

Today marks 4 weeks that we had our hello/goodbye with Oliver. We have brought his urn today to my mothers house to be with us on Thanksgiving. Today is the day we say what we are thankful for. We are thankful for being able to wake up this morning and listen to Oliver's heartbeat we recorded when he was still in my belly. We are thankful for the many pictures we have of him to look at every morning and every night. We are thankful for this type of love that has been brought into our lives. We are thankful for the blessing to be parents to our handsome son. We miss our son more than words could ever express. As thankful as we are to have had 34 weeks and 5 days with Oliver in the womb - and an entire day to hold him after he was born asleep- doesn't make this day any easier. Our hearts are broken - and will remain broken until we see our son again. We love you Oliver. 

Dear Oliver -

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You were in my dreams last night, and every night since I learned of being pregnant with you. Last night was so vivid and felt so real. I was holding you again. I didn't want to let you go. I saw your eyes, the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. I have been having a hard time at night going to sleep, knowing that the next morning I would begin another day without you. I love seeing you in my dreams. Waking up from them - is what hurts the most. I wake up with as much heartbreak as the day I left the hospital - without you. I wake your Dad up - because I wake up crying and telling him how much I miss you and how much I want to hold you again. Despite this journey of ours as a family - we would do it again in a heartbeat to be able to feel you in my belly and hold you again. We would do it a million times, that's how much we love you and that will never change. Our love continues to grow for you Oliver, each and every day. I will see you in my dreams my love... Unt

Oliver is home {his baby urn}

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... Oliver's Baby Urn ... The funeral director dropped off the urn tonight. I have been hounding them with calls, asking when he would be home with us for the last 2 weeks. I have been worried that something would go wrong, or they wouldn't treat this situation as sensitive as they said they would. All of the hoops one has to jump through to have their stillborn son cremated and brought home is much more than I thought.  I met a wonderful woman through our comfort care counselor and met with her when I was 29 weeks along. She went through this same situation with her gorgeous daughter 4 years ago. She took the loss of her child and turned to helping others going through the same. I thank God that I met her and that she was able to give me information & share her story. I talked with her for over an hour, and could see the love and heartbreak in her eyes when she spoke of her daughter. That's when I knew, the tears would continue to flow, and the pain would ne

The Autopsy Results

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Today has been 2 weeks since we said hello & goodbye. I had a doctors appointment with the OBGYN, and if going to that office wasn't annoying enough without this tragedy - they really had to top it off today. I have been there 20 times during my pregnancy and today I am greeted by a completely different nurse - who does not have my file pulled - and asks me why I am at the office today, then how many pregnancies I have had. I have to go through the heartbreak of saying I lost a baby (miscarriage) 6 years ago, and my son was stillborn 2 weeks ago. Of course - I made it all morning without crying and one question has put me in tears in front of 1 too many people. She apologizes and I respond with the broken record response - "Thank you, it's not your fault." I go to the second waiting room - and I see the nurses I am used to - who know what has been happening and that Oliver is gone. I show them pictures and give them birth announcements. It was the first time tha

Thank God for Pictures

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Today I got the first shipment of the hundreds of pictures I ordered of Oliver. In the 24 hours we had with our son, we managed to take over 400 pictures of our beautiful baby boy. I love that I have them. But I would trade all of them for sleepless nights, a million dirty diapers, and a lifetime of ups and downs with Oliver. I am extremely grateful that I have all of these pictures and the memories we were able to make in the short time we had. It is such a blessing to be able to wake up every morning and see my baby boy - even though he isn't here. As each day passes, the love continues to grow and my heart continues to ache. And as each day passes, I am beginning to accept that every day will be like that. He will always be our son and that will never change. Oliver has made us a family - and for that - I will forever be thankful.

The First Week

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11-1-2012 It has been one week since I gave birth to this precious angel and my love for him has only grown. The days have not gotten any easier. Each night I go to bed, knowing that the next morning will be another day without my beautiful boy. It breaks my heart, but I know in my heart that what has happened, has happened for a reason. Our son was needed in Heaven and we will be with him again one day. I have said goodnight to him every night and good morning every morning. I tell him I miss him and I love him, and that I know he is safe and healthy and having a blast playing with the other baby angels. What keeps me going, is knowing that our life here is temporary, and he is already home, safe and sound, waiting for us. 

Being Home - 10/26

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We got home Friday evening. Took all of his pictures and put them on the computer and ordered them already. I can't stop looking at his face. I just wish we could have had more time, but in reality - all that time wouldn't be enough. I want him for a lifetime, I want to watch him grow up. I want to have fights about who is getting up in the middle of the night to feed him. I want to experience all of his milestones. I want him to be here with us every second of every day. Accepting what has happened is going to be a life long process. There will be no going back to normal for us. Now we will need to create a new normal - with Oliver's memories. Not a day will go by that we won't think about him, that we won't miss him and that is going to be something will we learn to work through. Just because Oliver is not here physically with us, does not mean we aren't parents. We are still his mom and dad, and we are so proud of him. He beat the odds of all of the doctors

Time to Say Goodbye - 10/24

10-24-12 Monday night we watched my belly pop and jump as Oliver was going crazy in my belly.  Tuesday I only felt some pressure. I am trying not to worry - because last time - everything was fine. I am going to try and focus on feeling him move and see what happens throughout the day. Tuesday night - after I got home - I took the fetal doppler out and tried to find a heartbeat. The heartbeat was only around 110-120, not the normal 140 we find him at and I am having trouble finding the heartbeat. Today - I try to lay in bed and feel for him. I have tried the doppler again several times - and NOTHING. Call my parents and the doctor. My mom takes me to the doctor and we get in to the ultrasound room. This appointment confirms that his heartbeat has stopped and we have lost our battle. I go home and tell Andrew what has happened, and now it is time to go to the hospital. I felt so silly - because I knew this was going to happen - yet I was holding on to as much hope as

October - Almost there

 10-2-12 Had a scare today.  Haven’t felt him move since last night. :/ Made an emergency appointment to check on him. He still has a heartbeat. Thank God. They said I won’t  be feeling him move like before. The kicks and moves wont be as strong and the way he is positioned he hits towards my back. Makes me sad since I want to feel him all the time and now I will have to work to feel him. I am glad he is still here, being a trooper about it. This was a horrible couple of hours. 10-19-12 Bi-weekly appointment yesterday. His heart is still beating strong <3. I am still measuring normal – so he is still growing. Despite him being behind in growth – he keeps growing so far. My appointments will now be weekly and they will do a sono next week to check his growth, see how much he weighs. 34 weeks now and she said if we get close to  38-39 weeks, she will talk about inducing. Kind of annoying/I don’t know what she meant by this: She said “well if he makes it then..we will

Meeting Oliver - 10/25

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10-25-12 Oliver Felix Suarez  5:49 pm 3 lbs 15 oz 15.5 in The experience of giving birth to this handsome boy is absolutely unforgettable. He is perfect in every way. He has Andrew's eyebrows & toes, my nose, and between the two of us, a full head of hair. His hands are precious and I can just stare at him forever. We kept him with us for about a day, taking pictures of every piece of him. His face is so soft and amazing, I wish I could kiss him forever. He is just so precious. I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to miss anytime with him. I wanted to make sure he was "ok".  I didn't want to leave him there, that was the hardest part. He will always be our little boy, and our love for him will grow everyday. We will all be together again one day. I know that he is healthy and safe and pain free where he is, playing and having fun with all of the other children in Heaven. For now he will be our angel, looking down on us. 

Oliver's Baby Shower - 8/25

8-25-12 When we first got Oliver's diagnosis, I decided against having a baby shower. I just didn't know that I would be able to make it through a time with friends and family who don't know what is going on and having everyone so excited, while inside I am crying and screaming and just a mess of emotions.  As some time went on and talking to other women in this situation, I decided to  go ahead with the shower. I wanted to still celebrate Oliver's life - despite however long it may be. He is still my son whether he is here with me or waiting for me in Heaven.  Our friends and family don't know what the situation is and we would rather it that way. Having to talk about it out loud is just something I can't handle doing. I had a bit of a breakdown the night before the shower and was second guessing my choice. After spending the day with friends and family and opening all of the wonderful things for Oliver, I felt a little better, seeing how much ev

August & the Amnio

8-9-12 Today I went to the doctor – for what I thought would be a quick check for the heart beat and be on my way. The doctor appointments have been every two weeks to check on the heartbeat. This appointment turned into a 3 hour appointment – with 1 hour of waiting. Horrible. Then the doctor checked for his heart beat, super irregular and sporadic. I am still measuring fine. She said if we wait til birth to gather cells – they may not be viable and we may not be able to have any answers as to what is going on. So we talked about an amnio – again. I decided to do it and we did that about 15 minutes later. However – with this – they took all the fluid I had left. I had barely any as it was. I am a little sore in the belly, had a contraction after they were done. Decided to go to work anyway because I didn't want to sit at home and just think about everything all day. I just sit at work on the computer anyway, so the doctor said it wouldn't be a risk to go. I wish the result

September & Fluid levels

9-05-12 Had an appointment today. Did an ultrasound – got to see him move around. He is only measuring about 2 weeks behind. I was at about a 7 for fluid. The sonographer was baffled at where the fluid is going because she doesn't see any hydrops or anything. They did find some fluid around the heart today. They said that will make the heart work harder. Right now there is a strong heart beat. They can still see the cysts on the kidneys – small ones. And the dandy walker is still there. When I saw the doctor – he said that if it looked like there was anything we could do, we would deliver now but with all of the abnormalities, there just isn’t anything that can be done. I am 28 weeks now. I asked about being induced at 36 weeks if I am still pregnant. He said that shouldn’t be a problem if that’ what we want to do. He again encouraged not to do a c-section – I haven’t decided whether or not that wll be okay. He doesn't think I will make it to 36 weeks, but I have made it

July & The Decision

7-16-12 We went for the 20 week ultrasound. They could barely see him because the fluid was so low. They could not find his kidneys or balder – which means they have not been developing. They said there is no way to fix this and that without fluid he won’t make it. His heart is still beating and I can still feel him kicking. I will see a different specialist this week to set up the plans for delivery. I went to bed last night hoping I would wake up and this be a dream. 7-20-12 Saw an another specialist today.  He said that the kidneys are there and they are just enlarged – still no bladder. Either it is empty or the kidneys are just not working properly. With the very low fluid it was very hard to see everything still. His heart is still beating and is about 2 weeks behind in growth. They are mostly concerned about the kidneys- but give a 20-30 % chance of survival. We have decided to hold on to him as long as we can and as long as he makes it. I am so torn but I can’t do anyt

June - Gender & Perinatologist

6-15-12 Gender appointment - It's A Boy! - A rather quick sono - with our parents there also. The sonographer said he was measuring a few days behind - didn't raise much concern. The NT/CH was gone - the thickness of the back of his neck.  6-19-12 Went to see the specialist again today. After the Level 2 ultrasound is complete - the doctor comes in and says that it is still early in the pregnancy to get a great scan. I ask him - why did you have me come in then - being that I just saw my regular OBGYN 4 days ago. He says to me "To check to see if   it   was still alive". At this point I tell him that I will not be coming back to this office and we will still not be doing any sort of tests or terminating. - I am so irritated and shocked by the words of this ignorant man. Being a specialist in High-Risk pregnancies - he should be more supportive and sensitive to his patients - not the jerk that calls someones child - in the womb or not - an IT.

May & the Perinatologist

We were diagnosed with the large Nuchal fold or CH, last week. It has measured at 8mm. The specialist we went to see immediately encourages to terminate – but not giving any definite answers, just bombarding with a handful of percentages that may or may not be the case. I have been doing a lot of research and see that these things can correct themselves and are not always as horrible as they make them sound.  He suggested a CVS or an amnio – we decided against both – as these can cause a miscarriage. Having miscarried before we do not want to risk a miscarriage, we are able to handle a special needs child – whatever the case may be.