Our Life with Oliver

Today should have been the day we prepared to meet our precious son, but that day has already passed. We have been looking forward to this day since we found out we were pregnant with Oliver & wanted to keep this day special. We have decided to say Our I Do's  on this day because of our beautiful son. It has been 5 weeks and 1 day. Yet, it feels like just yesterday that we had our hello/goodbye. A tiny, beautiful, and amazing baby boy was with us in the womb for 34 weeks & 5 days, in our arms for only a day, and forever in our hearts. He was with us for such a short time - but has made an impact that will last a lifetime. { We love you Oliver }

Today marks 4 weeks that we had our hello/goodbye with Oliver. We have brought his urn today to my mothers house to be with us on Thanksgiving. Today is the day we say what we are thankful for. We are thankful for being able to wake up this morning and listen to Oliver's heartbeat we recorded when he was still in my belly. We are thankful for the many pictures we have of him to look at every morning and every night. We are thankful for this type of love that has been brought into our lives. We are thankful for the blessing to be parents to our handsome son. We miss our son more than words could ever express. As thankful as we are to have had 34 weeks and 5 days with Oliver in the womb - and an entire day to hold him after he was born asleep- doesn't make this day any easier. Our hearts are broken - and will remain broken until we see our son again. We love you Oliver. 

You were in my dreams last night, and every night since I learned of being pregnant with you. Last night was so vivid and felt so real. I was holding you again. I didn't want to let you go. I saw your eyes, the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. I have been having a hard time at night going to sleep, knowing that the next morning I would begin another day without you. I love seeing you in my dreams. Waking up from them - is what hurts the most. I wake up with as much heartbreak as the day I left the hospital - without you. I wake your Dad up - because I wake up crying and telling him how much I miss you and how much I want to hold you again. Despite this journey of ours as a family - we would do it again in a heartbeat to be able to feel you in my belly and hold you again. We would do it a million times, that's how much we love you and that will never change. Our love continues to grow for you Oliver, each and every day. I will see you in my dreams my love... Unt

... Oliver's Baby Urn ... The funeral director dropped off the urn tonight. I have been hounding them with calls, asking when he would be home with us for the last 2 weeks. I have been worried that something would go wrong, or they wouldn't treat this situation as sensitive as they said they would. All of the hoops one has to jump through to have their stillborn son cremated and brought home is much more than I thought.  I met a wonderful woman through our comfort care counselor and met with her when I was 29 weeks along. She went through this same situation with her gorgeous daughter 4 years ago. She took the loss of her child and turned to helping others going through the same. I thank God that I met her and that she was able to give me information & share her story. I talked with her for over an hour, and could see the love and heartbreak in her eyes when she spoke of her daughter. That's when I knew, the tears would continue to flow, and the pain would ne

Today has been 2 weeks since we said hello & goodbye. I had a doctors appointment with the OBGYN, and if going to that office wasn't annoying enough without this tragedy - they really had to top it off today. I have been there 20 times during my pregnancy and today I am greeted by a completely different nurse - who does not have my file pulled - and asks me why I am at the office today, then how many pregnancies I have had. I have to go through the heartbreak of saying I lost a baby (miscarriage) 6 years ago, and my son was stillborn 2 weeks ago. Of course - I made it all morning without crying and one question has put me in tears in front of 1 too many people. She apologizes and I respond with the broken record response - "Thank you, it's not your fault." I go to the second waiting room - and I see the nurses I am used to - who know what has been happening and that Oliver is gone. I show them pictures and give them birth announcements. It was the first time tha

Today I got the first shipment of the hundreds of pictures I ordered of Oliver. In the 24 hours we had with our son, we managed to take over 400 pictures of our beautiful baby boy. I love that I have them. But I would trade all of them for sleepless nights, a million dirty diapers, and a lifetime of ups and downs with Oliver. I am extremely grateful that I have all of these pictures and the memories we were able to make in the short time we had. It is such a blessing to be able to wake up every morning and see my baby boy - even though he isn't here. As each day passes, the love continues to grow and my heart continues to ache. And as each day passes, I am beginning to accept that every day will be like that. He will always be our son and that will never change. Oliver has made us a family - and for that - I will forever be thankful.

11-1-2012 It has been one week since I gave birth to this precious angel and my love for him has only grown. The days have not gotten any easier. Each night I go to bed, knowing that the next morning will be another day without my beautiful boy. It breaks my heart, but I know in my heart that what has happened, has happened for a reason. Our son was needed in Heaven and we will be with him again one day. I have said goodnight to him every night and good morning every morning. I tell him I miss him and I love him, and that I know he is safe and healthy and having a blast playing with the other baby angels. What keeps me going, is knowing that our life here is temporary, and he is already home, safe and sound, waiting for us.