Our Life with Oliver

3 years ago today - I woke up and knew that my life as I knew it was going to change forever. That day is so vivid for me. I remember going to bed the night before, knowing that Oliver would pass by the morning. I was so in tune with my boy and my body. Though I didn't have fluid - and his movements were so soft and gentle, I could count on them. I knew his pattern. He would wake me up in the middle the night - except this one. I checked his heart rate and it was slowing down. When I woke up on October 24, 2012 - I knew. I checked his heart rate with my doppler - silence. I remember being calm. I remember crying. I remember being scared.  It has been 3 years since my boy made his way to me. I am heart broken. I am also happy. I am happy that I am his mother. I am happy that I chose not to abort - and I saw his beautiful face. The most handsome baby boy - that was my son. My Oliver.  Oliver has given my life so much meaning. He made me a mother. He made us a family. H

We are now 14 weeks along with our new addition. I announced a few weeks ago - and needed some time to think about this post. I wanted to wait until some of my emotions subsided. Of course -- I am beyond excited and blessed to have this new miracle growing inside of me. But --- my brother is gone and so is my son. The two people who I want here by my side to welcome this new bundle of joy. I was sad and angry. It was hard for me to get passed that. Ivan has been with me everyday - since the day I was born. He still has not left my side. Ivan has taken care of so many things since he went Home. To some this may sound silly - but to me and my family - it's Ivan. Before Ivan's body left this earth - I whispered into his hear - mind you while I was sobbing my eyes out - telling him - that if he was going to leave me - he needed to make sure I got my house. I said - he needed to work things out upstairs and help his little sister out. The day I found out our loan and contract

As I wake up on my 27th birthday, I am feeling two different ways. Part of me feels defeated, broken. Last night - I spent a lot of time crying - missing my big brother, Ivan. This is my first birthday without him here with me. He has been gone 23 days - and it is just not fair. He should be here, my son, Oliver, should be here. I feel incomplete. We have been through so much - and I just feel as if - something else is about to cause heartbreak. Then part of me feels - blessed . This great loss I feel - wouldn't feel so great if it wasn't for all of the love I have shared. My brother was my biggest inspiration - the reason I kept on. My son, made me a mother - gave me purpose. I have made it to 27 years old, where I know one to many who have not. I have overcome so much. Addiction, domestic violence, miscarriage after miscarriage, depression, my stillborn son, the birth of my daughter, the loss of my brother. Yes - I have overcome the birth of my daughter. As joyous and m

Dear Oliver, Your Tio Ivan is with you now. But I think you already knew that on Monday. I haven't felt like this since I had to say goodbye to you. It doesn't feel right, giving a last kiss knowing it won't happen again. I've told you before, but he knew. He knew that you were safe with God when you were still in my belly. He told your Buela that it's okay and you were okay. Tio Ivan always had one foot in Heaven and one foot on Earth. He was so special. He had a connection with God that I hope I can one day have. I know that he is with you in Heaven and you both are healthy and whole. No pain for either of you. Just love. I am so sad Oliver. I know you both are with me. I know you both will always be with me. He was the best big brother to your mama. He loved me so much and he always let me know. He gives the best hugs. Make sure you tell him that for me. He loves Jaxin and Olive so much. And they love him so much. Olive gave him so many kisses in the ho

This photo was taken about a month ago. I love this picture. This is a beautiful picture taken on a beautiful day. That being said, that wasn't my first thought. Which I have felt very guilty about. My first thought was, "Why isn't Oliver in this picture?" . I have been struggling quite a bit these past few months. And after seeing this picture, I just felt a bit more broken hearted, I miss my sweet boy more than anything, and it is definitely a daily struggle accepting that he isn't here with me, to be a part of these beautiful moments. Oliver is now 2 and a half years old. He has been gone for 913 days . 913 days I have lived on this earth without my baby boy. 913 days that I have made it since he was called Home. Not a day goes by that my stomach doesn't turn, that my heart doesn't skip, that his name doesn't leave my mouth. I make it a point to speak about my child. We talk about him everyday. We have talked about him every single day for the

Today is Jaxin's 4th Birthday. It has been 4 beautiful years that this little boy has been changing our lives. I am so honored and blessed that I was chosen to be his Madrina (Godmother). It has been such a gift. As soon as he woke up this morning "Is my party ready?". This kid has been non-stop asking when people are going to "sing at him" and give him presents. It's adorable. His party is tomorrow -- I can't wait to see the crazy that is going down for that. I  think this year he finally gets that it's a day all about him! This is how this morning went down. 7:20am - we are awake - Andrew is at work - so I am solo with Olive and Jaxin. 7:48am - the task of breakfast is still attempted. 7:56am - his dad calls - to sing him Happy Birthday - Jaxin cannot focus because they are not on face-time. 8:00am - face-time with his Dad and Megan -- singing Happy Birthday So far a success...... Olive has eaten, Jaxin is stil

Dear Olive, We are on the eve of your first birthday. I am in shock in regards to how fast this year has gone by. I have watched you grow, heard your cries and laughs. I have witnessed your rolling over, crawling, walking and new words. I have gotten to experience so many milestones and create so many memories in this past year. I am so grateful for each and every second that I have had with you. I am so beyond proud of who you are today and the girl you will become and the woman you will one day be. You are strong little lady. Full of so much love and happiness. It makes me feel so amazing that you have managed to touch so many lives with the beaming smile you love to share. I am so blessed to be able to call you mine. To be able to say that you are my daughter . Your big brother is always watching over you and with you every step of the way. I love that you smile when you see his picture on my phone, it makes me feel like the two of you are having a moment together. I love that

I can always feel Oliver with me. I know he is around me. Especially since Olive came about. During her pregnancy and now that she is here, I know he is constantly with us. Whenever I hear or see his name, I know he is saying  'Hi mama - I love you'. I love getting signs from him. They give me butterflies. Jaxin never met Oliver. He was too little to understand what was going on. He does know now that the blue bear next to the urn is the Oliver bear. He has seen pictures of Oliver, as they are all over the house. With all of that, it's never been like him to talk about Oliver or say things like what he has recently. ........ About a week ago, he looks at me, points at my belly and says Nina. Oliver is in your belly and we need to get him out. {side note: he says Oliver like Oliber so it's even more adorable} I recently miscarried another baby, so I like to think and strongly believe that Oliver and this new baby in Heaven are still very much in my pr

The first day of 2015 has been great so far. .......... The past few years have been such a roller coaster for  my family  and I know it will continue to be just that. So many new life changes and  welcoming  new members to the family. In 2014 we welcomed our beautiful daughter Olive Juanita. Our beautiful rainbow baby. She has brought us much joy and love and we are so blessed. We are still mourning the loss of Oliver, but I feel him with me everyday. With Olive being here, she has made his presence even stronger. He is always with us and in our hearts. Our bond as mother and son is still very active, and I am beyond thankful for that. We have another angel in Heaven that we lost December 1st. As my cousin told me a few weeks ago, I have a army of angels in Heaven. I am still very much learning how to cope with our losses and how to survive through them. I have been blessed with an amazing support system of our family and close friends. I have lost friends and we