tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45181070192497694582024-02-10T04:41:30.109-08:00Our Life with Oliver...our journey of life after loss...CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.comBlogger80125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-65257974397189552332020-08-23T18:37:00.002-07:002020-08-23T18:38:13.130-07:00This is not what I pictured<br />
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This is not the way I imagined taking photos with my baby boy. Holding an urn, looking down, trying to keep it together for a photo. This is not what I imagined what my life would be when I wanted to start a family. Yet, here I am. Living my life with part of my heart in Heaven and part of it here. I haven't written in awhile. When I try to write I feel this weight on my chest. I miss my son. I don't understand why his life was cut short. I don't know why I wasn't able to see the color of his eyes or hear him cry. It is a daily struggle with reminding myself that it is not for me to understand. I still struggle with thinking I could have done something differently, thinking that I had any control. This feeling, this heaviness has kept me from writing as much. This feeling, this heaviness is why I started writing in the first place. Talking about Oliver's journey, the words weren't easy to say aloud without losing my breath. I've been talking about him everyday for over 7 years and telling his story has gotten easier, the pain however has not. <div><br /></div><div>I love you Oliver, every second of every day. I miss you and love you more as each second passes. I know one day we will be reunited. Until then, I will continue to keep my promise - and share your name, your journey and the strength you give to me. </div><div><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: center;">____________________________________________________________________</div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>[Photography credit: Lauren Mcdonald Photography]</div>CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-85153867027327890052019-07-03T17:24:00.000-07:002019-07-03T17:24:49.917-07:00About Time<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This past weekend, myself and 7 strong, beautiful mamas all met for the first time. Except, we already knew each other on such a deep level. I can only speak for myself, but it didn't feel like meeting for the first time. The hugs we greeted each other with - were so full of emotion and love. </span><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">We have been part of each others live for so long - over 5 years - that it was </span><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><u style="font-weight: bold;">about time</u> </span><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">we made this happen. We have supported one another in the births and deaths of our children. We have confided in each other about the ups and downs we all experience in life. Our babies brought us together, but we connected on so much more. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ben, Addison, Grace, Oliver, Sloane, Penny, Evan, Ella</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Those beautiful 8 babies changed our lives. Never did we expect that we would become pregnant, just to find out that we would be provided a fatal diagnosis. Yet, that's what happened. With the online forums that exist, we were all able to find each other pretty quickly after receiving a diagnosis. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Googling - "12 weeks pregnant with no kidneys" or "12 week thickened NT" or "Trisomy 13" - brings up quite a bit. We all stumbled across the same group - that truly changed our lives. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Babycenter.com - a group called: </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Carrying/Carried Pregnancy Despite Poor or Fatal Prenatal Diagnosis. </i>Finding this group - asking questions and getting </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">replies was amazing. I never thought that being a part of this group - I would meet the mamas who would be part of my village. I am forever grateful to the mamas who kept up being active in this group. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Being able to type and talk online, for me, helped so much. I couldn't speak about Oliver without breaking down. I didn't want those around me to know while I was pregnant, and after he passed - I just couldn't bear to say he died. Being able to have an online support group was the type of support I needed at that time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It has been 6 years for me, some less and some more. When Oliver turned 5, that was a hard year for me. I wasn't posting as much online, my energy felt depleted. We all had previously said that we needed to plan a weekend to all see each other in person - and 6 months ago we did it. And by we - I mean one amazing mama got all the information and coordinated it - and we love her so much for doing it! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This past weekend together, is a weekend I will never forget. A barn style AirBNB. with. a gorgeous pool was booked and we were all so excited. Walking into a room that sleeps 16 with a ping pong table, pool table and air hockey table lined up in the middle - was not exactly what we expected - but it is exactly what we needed. This weekend was about being together - and it was perfect. We got to talk about our babies to those who knew exactly how we felt in those moments. We got to cry and laugh and cry again. Saying their names and sharing their stories in detail was so beautiful and therapeutic. I am so proud of our babies and what they have accomplished in their short lives. They continue to provide us strength, love and inspiration in life and we are honored they chose us to be their mamas. </span><br />
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CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-34817230491372487082019-01-03T17:51:00.000-08:002019-01-03T17:52:15.976-08:00Dear OliverDear Oliver,<br />
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It has been awhile since I have written to you.<br />
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I have so many emotions about that. I think about you every second of every day. I talk about you every day. I wake up thinking about you, I go to bed thinking about you. None of that has changed.<br />
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They say there are five stages of grief:<br />
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1. Denial</div>
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2. Anger</div>
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3. Bargaining</div>
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4. Depression</div>
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5. Acceptance</div>
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For your first 5 years plus our pregnancy - I bounced between the first three stages. How could this have happened? Why did this happen? I prayed for you -- what did I do to deserve this? I was thankful and grateful for you - despite the fact that we are not physically together. I would dream that you were still alive, here - with me, just to wake up without you. I would cry - but also smile thinking of how beautiful you are. <b>You made me a mother - you made us a family. </b></div>
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The fourth stage - depression - that hit this past year. Hard. I have been so sad - because it has taken that long to really set in - I am not getting you back - not here, on Earth at least. That seems crazy to say - how would I think that you would come back to me? I am a mother - who lost their son - so my mind goes places it has never gone before. </div>
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I went and saw someone on your 5th birthday. Someone special - who told me that you are with Uncle Ivan. They said you are safe with him and you both are so happy <b>and healthy</b>. What they also told me - is that you aren't coming back. That having another baby - wouldn't bring you back. I knew that to an extent. But - it took hearing that - <b>that message from <i>you</i> through that person </b>- for me to begin understand and accept it. </div>
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After I saw that person - I felt a weight lifted off of me, like I was finally able to catch a breath. You were safe, you were with Uncle Ivan. I felt that from that meeting - that I knew you felt how much love I have for you. I kept replaying that over and over. It took me awhile to process all of the information I received that day. </div>
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After that - it's been that stage for me. I have been silently mourning you - keeping that to myself. I have distanced myself, and closed part of myself off. I haven't been able to find the strength to share that with everyone else - as I have in the past. </div>
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Tonight, I sit here - deciding that it was time to share you - to share us again. </div>
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A fellow mother recently lost her daughter. She shared her daughter and their story - and it reminded me of us. It reminded me why I shared our story - because together, those who have experienced this pain - can help one another - when they are in their silent struggle. That their stories, their feelings, their sadness, their happiness, their journey - is something we can relate to. And by sharing all of that, we can help each other along this journey. </div>
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Oliver, you were with me for 34 weeks and 5 days. I prayed for you. I held you, kissed you, snuggled you. You taught me what true love is. You made me a mother, and set me on this path of motherhood. You have been with me every day since then - and I am so thankful for you. </div>
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I don't know that I will ever truly get to stage five - and if I do, I am preparing myself to likely start the stages all over again. I do know - that with God, you, your siblings, your father - and all of our family - that I am not alone, and that I have the support I need to continue on this journey. </div>
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I love you Oliver, more and more everyday. </div>
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My love continues to grow for you. </div>
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You are my sweet baby angel.</div>
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CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-64228484314176371892017-10-06T16:26:00.001-07:002017-10-06T16:26:55.224-07:00October 20176 weeks after I gave birth to Oliver, I went back to work. Since Oliver had passed away at birth, it was 6 weeks instead of 12. When I first found that out, I was upset. When those 6 weeks had passed, I felt like it was time for me to go back to work. I knew staying home wasn't going to bring him back - and it was time to adjust to my new normal.<br />
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Going back to work was rough. I arrived back the first day and my stomach was in knots as soon as I got inside the building. I went to the bathroom and just cried. </div>
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Today, I had that same feeling. I was feeling angry, upset, stressed. And then it all hit me. As soon as I put my things down at my desk, I had to rush to the bathroom and just sobbed. My body aches for my Oliver. </div>
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The month of October will never be the same for me. I have not been feeling myself for the past few days - and maybe even the past few weeks - knowing that this month was coming up. October 25 - my baby boy - my first born - will turn 5 years old. It has been 5 years since my baby was with me. The month of October was the last month he was with me and I was with him. </div>
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I don't want to feel angry. I carry so much guilt. I feel guilty when I feel angry. I feel guilty when I am happy. An entire lifetime with my son was taken from me. A lifetime of milestones, a lifetime of memories. It is a daily struggle to remind myself - though I cannot have the same memories with Oliver, that I do with my living children - that we can still make memories together. I remind myself every morning and every night - that one day I will be reunited with Oliver - and we will all be together as a family again. I have to tell myself, there was a reason Oliver was called Home. The He had a plan - a plan before I even knew about Oliver. I was chosen to be his mother, and he was chosen to be my son. </div>
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To all of the families experiencing this pain - I love you and pray for you. </div>
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You are not alone. We are not alone. It takes a village. </div>
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I love you Oliver, more and more. </div>
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Not a day has passed that you are not on my mind and my heart. </div>
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You are my reason for being. </div>
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You, Jaxin, Olive & Opal. </div>
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The four of you mean everything to me. </div>
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I will love you for all of my days. </div>
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This is a picture of Oliver I have never shared before.</div>
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I saw it in his photo album today. </div>
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I can still feel how soft he felt.</div>
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I can still feel him in my arms.</div>
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My beautiful miracle baby. </div>
CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-58756643659760590332017-09-12T16:21:00.004-07:002017-09-12T16:21:35.769-07:004th Trimester Bodies<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been following the 4th Trimester Project by Photographer Ashlee Wells for quite some time. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love her mission and her message for not just women & mothers - but for everyone who comes across her pages. When I saw that she was coming to Tampa - I knew I had to jump at this opportunity. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oliver was my first [still] born son. He made me a mother. I still have feelings of guilt upon my body - but I am working on that. By putting myself out there - sharing not only Oliver's story - but OUR story - is what is helping me on this path of healing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oliver was still born at 34 weeks and 5 days. At 12 weeks we learned of his fatal illness. Though I am hard on my body for Oliver not being here today - I need to remind myself daily - that my body showed Oliver a safe place here on Earth - with nothing but pure love.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oliver was a baby boy - that continued to surprise the doctors at each appointment. Making it 34 weeks and 5 days - was beyond what anyone expected. We did that as a team. Mother & Son - together we held on to each other as long as we could before we had to say our goodbyes. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love you Oliver. My love for you continues to grow every single day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know you are with your sisters and your cousins.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know you are with me and Papi.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know you are with us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Until we see each other again, I love you.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: start;">"Losing Oliver, made me feel very guilty about my body. Despite his condition being a fatal diagnosis we received at 12 weeks in utero. I felt like like I had failed as his mother. I am working on accepting myself and my body. After my second rainbow baby Opal, a successful home birth, and a longterm breastfeeding journey, I am on the path of healing. ⠀</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: start;">⠀</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: start;">Love yourself. Be yourself. You are you. You are the only person who can be the best you. Each day is a new day to forgive and love yourself. ⠀</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: start;">⠀</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: start;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: start;">I'm working towards accepting my body and my journey."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/4thtrimesterbodiesproject/?ref=page_internal">4th Trimester Bodies Facebook Page</a></span></div>
<br />CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-24845492113920466582017-04-25T05:28:00.006-07:002017-04-25T05:28:59.053-07:00Dear Oliver<div style="text-align: center;">
This letter was written to Oliver on April 14, 2016. </div>
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While I was waiting for our Opal Maize to make her arrival. </div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">Dear Oliver </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">I know it's been a while since I have written. I know we talk everyday - it's just different when I sit down to write you a note. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">I miss you so much. I love looking at your face. You're so handsome and adorable and my heart just longs for you to be in my arms. I miss you so much. I don't even have to close my eyes to see your face. Your always in vision. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">As your sisters birth approaches us - I can't help but think of the day you were born. I miss you so much. I can vividly remember the pain - going home without you. That was the worst feeling I have ever felt. But if taking that feeling away meant not being your mom - I wouldn't take that option. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">You are three and a half years old. I can just picture how much of a strong little man you are. I know you are taking care of me, papi, your sisters and Jaxin. You are such a miracle and blessing. I thank God for you everyday. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">I just want to hold you one more time and never let you go. I look at Olive and see your face. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">I'm a little anxious to see what Opal looks like. I really want her to have more of your features. I know she will be beautiful no matter what. I loved your curly black hair. So handsome and beautiful on you. And your little nose. Your face was so precious and soft. Kissing you was the most precious gift. I am so glad that I was able to hold you and love on you. I just wish I had more time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">I'm scared. The love I have for all of you is so different - but the amount is the same. I felt this way before Olive was born. And now I'm feeling the same waiting for Opal. I know my heart will be able to increase the amount of love that I have for all of you - but it's still intimidating having that feeling of splitting my heart one more time. It shouldn't be splitting - just growing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">You are my everything. All 4 of you are. You all give me such purpose in life. Such meaning. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">YOU made me a mother. YOU gave me the opportunity to begin the motherhood journey. YOU made us a family. I just want you home with me so badly. But I know you are in a better place - with no pain - and no sorrows. Just love and happiness. You took a piece of me with you. And a piece of you stayed with me. We are forever connected my sweet boy. I love you so much. I cannot wait for the day that I am greeted with you in my arms. The day that we are all together as one. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">Good night my sweet baby angel. My love for you only increases daily. That will never change. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">I hate saying good bye in these letters. I love talking to you. I love having moments with you. I love you. Forever. And always. I love you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">Love Mommy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">I love you so much. More than I could ever describe in words. I could tell you I love you all day and it would never be enough. My love for you will always be a strong and unbreakable force. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: '.SFUIText'; font-size: 15pt;">Your sisters and Jaxin will always know you. Always hear your name. Always know of their brother in Heaven. Always. They will love you forever. </span></div>
CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-68368442627035314012017-01-13T16:00:00.003-08:002017-01-13T16:00:42.409-08:00He should be here. He should be here.<br />
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He should be here with me.<br />
He should be here with us.<br />
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He should be here.<br />
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He should be here getting ready to start VPK<br />
He should be here hitting milestones.<br />
He should be here throwing tantrums.<br />
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He should be here. <br />
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He should be here growing up with his sisters.<br />
He should be here growing up with his cousins.<br />
He should be here growing with us as a family.<br />
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He should be here.<br />
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He should be here testing my patience.<br />
He should be here causing chaos.<br />
He should be here fighting with me.<br />
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He should be here.<br />
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He should be here going to sleep with me.<br />
He should be here having me love him.<br />
He should be here with me - as son and mama.<br />
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He should be here.<br />
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Oliver should be here with me. He should be here.<br />
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He's not here. We had such a short time together. And today it's hard for me to understand why he isn't here with me now. It's days like today that make me question everything in my life. It's days like today that I can't see clearly. It days like today that my body aches for a little boy that I only had 34 weeks and 5 days with. It's days like today that nothing else in the world matters except my little boy in Heaven and my babies here on Earth.<br />
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It's days like today that I am sad.<br />
It's days like today that I feel broken.<br />
It's days like today where the only way I would feel better - is to hold my little boy.<br />
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It's days like today that remind me of our bond.<br />
It's days like today that remind me of our journey.<br />
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Oliver - you are my everything. I love you more than I could ever even try to explain. You made me a mother. You made me who I am today. You continue to give me strength and love.<br />
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Until we see each other again my sweet baby angel.CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-92006004815756909122016-11-13T14:02:00.001-08:002016-11-13T14:11:35.875-08:00We are a non-traditional "blended family"<div class="vk_ans" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-weight: lighter; margin-bottom: 0px;">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">{guest piece for <a href="http://www.laitdelavie.com/" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: #f1f0f0; color: #365899; cursor: pointer; font-weight: lighter; text-decoration: none; white-space: pre-wrap;" target="_blank">www.laitdelavie.com</a>}</span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: lighter;">[blend·ed fam·i·ly]</span></div>
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a family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships</div>
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Traditionally, blended families consist of his, hers, and ours. We are a non-traditional blended family. As time goes on - we are becoming the norm - however - it is a mouthful to explain to those who ask about our dynamic. Especially - now that Jaxin has started Kindergarten. I've drawn a "non-traditional" family tree. The kids are listed first - because they are the priority and who really matter in this world of ours. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZvKkjEhuzigCy1m90x79MYBJe5C7q9qqlKR4efw5phOTgSjmhtXXByX0fhrMmIKcF2eAw4FeIlhIVOHkFGXt6YIJQzBuxO8tTYOHuqdzABpulUBPH25gVJ4qswaWlWCd6sEdmBfTLBoT-/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZvKkjEhuzigCy1m90x79MYBJe5C7q9qqlKR4efw5phOTgSjmhtXXByX0fhrMmIKcF2eAw4FeIlhIVOHkFGXt6YIJQzBuxO8tTYOHuqdzABpulUBPH25gVJ4qswaWlWCd6sEdmBfTLBoT-/s320/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Now the fun part - the explanation.</div>
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Jaxin was the first born out of this wild group. He was born in 2011 - to Devin & Jayce. Jayce is my little brother. A high school romance created this handsome little man - who has brought so much love and light into our home and heart. Oliver came next -- my son - with my husband (then boyfriend) Andrew. Oliver was born sleeping in 2012. It was a few month after his passing that we agreed to bring Jaxin into our home. Olive was next - born in 2014 - our first rainbow. Next are Opal & Knox - born a day apart in 2016. Knox is Jaxin's little brother - son to Jayce and his wife Megan. - Still with me? Clearly -- explaining this to teacher's require a book report -- as Jaxin's teacher just figured out I am not his mom. That was fun.</div>
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I am Jaxin's Godmother -- and he calls me Nina. Or Mommy. Olive likes to change them out as well - today - I've been Nina. This journey has been interesting - and not without drama - but never without love. The more love - the more the passion - and we are all still learning. </div>
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Jaxin knows that Devin is his Mommy and Jayce is his Daddy - and that will never change. He knows that Nina and Tio (Andrew) love him just as much. Jaxin came to us at a time where we both needed eac hother. I am so thankful that Devin and my brother named me his Godmother and have trusted me to take care of him. Jaxin was there to help me heal and he is still doing that. Children are such beautiful gifts from God - and the love they bring is so pure. </div>
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Olive doesn't know life without Jaxin. While we have said they are cousins - they refer to each other as brother and sister. And that's okay. All of us know how much they love each other - and how they need each other. Their bond is so beautiful and chaotic. Today - more chaotic - but that's for another post. </div>
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Families are dysfunctional enough without this crazy dynamic. But here we are, nearing the end of 2016 - and finally settling down. While it appears on paper - that this family tree is all over the place -- the one thing that remains the foundation is love. Me, Andrew, Devin, Jayce, & Megan - all know that Jaxin, Oliver, Olive, Opal and Knox - are the most important in all of this. It has taken some time to get to this point, or getting to this point. The point is actually always changing. As for my house - we are done adding children to our family. That doesn't mean the tree has stopped. Jaxin will [God willing] have more brothers and/or sisters from either his mother or father. Which will warrant a new point to journey to as one big family. </div>
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To those in Blended Families -- my advice -- don't shy away from explaining it. Don't make it seem awkward or taboo. Every family has their own story - their own journey. I never want these kids to feel like they are in some weird family. I want them all to know that really - what these means is - there is that much more love to give - that much more love to receive. That is what the goal is - and that's what it should always be. Sure, there are books you can get and read - which are great. Making it a part of your daily normal routine - to not have anyone feeling "left out" or feeling like an "outsider" is what is important. My family's testament to this is in our family picture - which includes Olive - holding Oliver (his urn), Opal and Jaxin. </div>
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This is my "blended" family - and I wouldn't want it any other way. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPRjOlK7mBIl7JSORf94zgQruzU9cMHlMNu01tsXwGYlPx8ZGjn9Y9YgugUbnHmzJ6iaqsYT83LCV18c9d1BZYsFjPefqIY5GKTXstxr5qLiYgzlcrPmnuqJgXL8174tafMyyRrx8XgcOQ/s1600/13913610_10153862711826417_1980863128273012447_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPRjOlK7mBIl7JSORf94zgQruzU9cMHlMNu01tsXwGYlPx8ZGjn9Y9YgugUbnHmzJ6iaqsYT83LCV18c9d1BZYsFjPefqIY5GKTXstxr5qLiYgzlcrPmnuqJgXL8174tafMyyRrx8XgcOQ/s320/13913610_10153862711826417_1980863128273012447_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-73027536026936858852016-11-11T15:30:00.003-08:002016-11-12T05:20:18.570-08:00That Time of Year AgainWe are winding down into Holiday time as the end of the year approaches.<br />
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Ever since we had Oliver, the holidays have such a different level of anxiety for me.<br />
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Holiday pictures, events, gatherings - I strive to make sure <i><u>all</u></i> of my children feel special. I want to make sure that we can look back as a family and know that <u><i>everyone</i></u> felt involved. Easier said than done. So much time gets away with us as these days fly by. It is as equally exhausting as it is amazing.<br />
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At first, with just Oliver & Jaxin, it wasn't that difficult as a task to meet. Now, we have Oliver, Jaxin, Olive and Opal.<br />
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<i>[side note: we wanted one child. </i><br />
<i>we all see how that played out :) ]</i></div>
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I want my kids to feel my love - but to not have one feel less than the other. I worry that I try to hard to include Oliver -- that I almost let my grief over shadow the happiness of the holiday time. I try to make sure Olive and Jaxin feel equal with time and attention -- which often times ends up as scolding more (as 2.5 & 5.5 year olds can either be best friends or enemies depending on the moment and toy in question) . Now - we have Opal in the mix -- and since she is exclusively breast fed - she is literally always on me. Always.</div>
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Mom guilt is a hard, hard thing. It takes constant reminders to myself that I am doing the best I can. <i>Moms everywhere - you are doing the best you can. </i></div>
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Each year - seems like it gets harder for me - my mourning of losing Oliver. Mainly in part - that I am seeing my kids grow. I am seeing the milestones, faces, reactions, attitudes, experiences - of all my other kids. Oliver was my first - and now I can compare each step of the way. Bittersweet. I love that I can place his memory and feel his presence - and I think it's healthy to allow myself that. If I were to bottle that up or limit my feelings - it would make this journey so much more sad and difficult. </div>
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I know when the kids are older - they will understand this journey we have been on. They will learn to understand what Heaven is - and why sweet Oliver is above us and not beside us. Right now, I hope they feel equally loved - including Oliver. I like to think he knows when we have "our" time. For example - when I bought his Christmas stocking -- I like to think that he was with me in that moment - and for that moment - he was with me and I was with him - we shared a moment together. </div>
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The Holidays are hard, and will never be the same. I know that I am trying - and I know I am trying my best. I hope my kids can look back on these times and see that. - I hope I can too,</div>
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Cherish your time with your loved ones this season. Remember what is important. Talk about things that make you laugh. Laugh until you cry. Hug and love each other. Memories are so very important. For they are the only things we have left once these days are gone. </div>
CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-40364362036986014202016-10-24T11:42:00.001-07:002016-10-24T11:47:57.155-07:00October 24, 2012<div style="color: rgb(69 , 69 , 69); font-family: ".sf ui text"; font-size: 15px; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">October 25,2012 - we said Hello & Goodbye to our first born son. And while that day is one of the most meaningful days of my life - October 24 is just as powerful. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">October 24, 2012 - I learned how strong of a bond Oliver and I had. I knew his routine. I knew his touch in my womb. I knew his heartbeat. So when I went to bed the night of the 23rd - I knew that October 24 may be a very scary day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">That morning I woke up - Andrew was already out of the house. I didn't go to work because I knew I would need to call the doctor. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">I had a soda the night before in hopes to get him moving. His heart rate was slowing down when I checked before I went to sleep. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">I got my Doppler and checked for his heart rate. Nothing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">Silently freaking the hell out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">I called my mom. No answer. She was getting her hair done. I called the salon. Told her it was time. I went to my parents to wait for my mom to go to the doctor with me. I checked for his heart rate again. Nothing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">Went to the doctor. And confirmed. He was gone. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">I thank God that Oliver and I had a strong bond. Knowing when he passed - being able to be induced right away - and getting to see my boy and his beautiful face while I still could - was all I could ask for. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">I knew Oliver wouldn't be with me on Earth. I wish I could have heard him cry. I wish I could of had more. I wish I could have a lifetime with him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">But God allowed me to meet my boy. God gave me a child and made me a mother. God let me hold and kiss my boy. God let my son fill my heart and give me purpose. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">Tomorrow my son will be 4 years old. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">I have a 4 year old in Heaven. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">I love you my sweet boy. More than I could even express. You are forever my sweet baby angel. </span></div>
CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-70324043684461468042016-07-16T17:54:00.001-07:002016-07-16T17:54:05.788-07:00It is always His plan, not our own.<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;">I had a plan, that by the
time I was twenty-five years old I would have had a child. I became pregnant
when I was twenty three years old - on our first cycle of trying. We were both
so shocked it happened so fast but so excited at the same time. At our very
first appointment - about 9 weeks - we were told everything looked great. There
was a heartbeat and a little peanut growing away. I had originally opted out of
the NT scan between 12-13 weeks and then changed my mind. I wanted another
ultrasound to have more pictures of my little bean. It was at that appointment
that this plan of mine took a turn. We were told that we needed to see a high
risk doctor and from that appointment on was just continued confirmation that
our little boy had a fatal diagnosis. I was quickly reminded that it is never
our plan but His above. We chose to carry to term despite his fatal diagnosis.
I couldn't end my child's life - I was, am, and will always be his mother. I
became an advocate for my son while he was still in my womb. My job was to be
strong for him. He was stillborn at 34 weeks 5 days gestation. All of the
doctors were surprised he even lived that long inside of me. He was a miracle
from Heaven above - a beautiful little boy that gave me the title of "Mom".
God answered my prayers to see my little boys face, to hold him, to kiss him. While
he went Home on October 25,2012 - he has never left our hearts. Now, Oliver
watches over his cousin Jaxin and his two little sisters, Olive and Opal.</span>
Oliver only knew love and warmth inside my womb. Each and every day I think of
my little boy, and while my heart still longs for him – I am always filled with
love in his memory. He may have never walked this Earth – but from Heaven above
– his is teaching me daily. Teaching me to slow down, to react with love first.
God above chose my son to guide our family Home. Oliver was chosen to be our
guide on this journey. I will always be thankful for my son – and for
everything he has and continues to accomplish through his 34 weeks and 5 days
with us here and now his eternity in Heaven.<span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background: white;">A quote
that says it all :</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background: white;"><br /></span></span></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">"An
angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Then whispered as she
closed the book "too beautiful for earth" ...</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMw571Wmd9OxusRQl7hmWSGMSzbMOYrcszyBlNUw7SLnjC7dBWsGuKpLrzU-xF83H3YzEWho46_uvQhNvSlFrrqFKmSr3hyphenhyphenCHQ6_RMKnNvAMp53nyW8Sx27c4KF3kkwkWMIV-rsHmMTZJK/s1600/family+photo+2016.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMw571Wmd9OxusRQl7hmWSGMSzbMOYrcszyBlNUw7SLnjC7dBWsGuKpLrzU-xF83H3YzEWho46_uvQhNvSlFrrqFKmSr3hyphenhyphenCHQ6_RMKnNvAMp53nyW8Sx27c4KF3kkwkWMIV-rsHmMTZJK/s320/family+photo+2016.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-63690626870364817332016-06-26T14:22:00.000-07:002016-06-28T12:47:31.607-07:00Twenty-Eight Years<div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px; font-weight: bold;"><br></span></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px; font-weight: bold;"><br></span></span></div><div><div>Yesterday I turned 28. I received so many birthday wishes - thank you all for that. </div><div><br></div><div>I still felt pretty incomplete without my son Oliver and my brother Ivan. </div><div><br></div><div>I went to my moms and stayed at her house. I went on a walk with Opal and took that time to pray. I feel really lost lately and I am asking God for a lot right now. As I ended my prayer - I saw a green butterfly. That was my brother. Ivan wanted to make sure he said happy birthday to me. </div><div><br></div><div>When I went inside and told my mom - I was still a little sad. My brother sends a lot of signs. Oliver didn't live on earth - there wasn't any items I could attach him to. </div><div><br></div><div>I am in a "mom group" and a mom was looking for ideas for something to send to another loss mama who recently lost her baby. I told her whatever gift if perfect - because thinking of her and her baby is gift enough. I said I would have loved for a reminder of my boy when I said goodbye from a friend. She took it upon herself to send me this. This was weeks ago and I completely forgot about it. I received it in the mail today. </div><div><br></div><div>God & Oliver worked through this stranger - to send me a Birthday gift from my Oliver. </div><div><br></div><div>I love you too Oliver. More than I could ever express. Thank you my sweet baby angel for reminding me you're always with me.<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3JTJ73RWQWuMXxthdvVZe6Q6OM4MeBgbD8dE0M8V-W1cqGGVdstiqQG70iH60zjig9Wxp_SXO3tLb2PHtM4YXGxNfkZClAxpd3ukJQ0T9VcGKab1HtUb3frudgvocjs7K8YuRFU2UE7Uf/s640/blogger-image-1630496665.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3JTJ73RWQWuMXxthdvVZe6Q6OM4MeBgbD8dE0M8V-W1cqGGVdstiqQG70iH60zjig9Wxp_SXO3tLb2PHtM4YXGxNfkZClAxpd3ukJQ0T9VcGKab1HtUb3frudgvocjs7K8YuRFU2UE7Uf/s640/blogger-image-1630496665.jpg"></a></div></div></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px; font-weight: bold;"><br></span></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px; font-weight: bold;"><br></span></span></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px; font-weight: bold;"><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px; font-weight: bold;">---</span></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px; font-weight: bold;"><br></span></span></div></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">John</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px; font-weight: bold;"> 16:33 </span>“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.<span class="crossreference" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-26760A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" data-cr="#cen-NIV-26760A" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px;"></span> In this world you will have trouble.<span class="crossreference" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-26760B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)" data-cr="#cen-NIV-26760B" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px;"></span> But take heart! I have overcome<span class="crossreference" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-26760C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)" data-cr="#cen-NIV-26760C" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; vertical-align: top; top: 0px;"></span> the world.”</span>
CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-76516837058697371382016-06-15T05:36:00.002-07:002016-06-15T05:36:49.178-07:00Back to the BasicsI've been debating speaking my mind on this. There have been so many posts and so many things said.<div>
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First things first -- I pray for all of those affected by this tragedy, those affected directly and indirectly. The lives lost - may they not be in vain. That all of these beautiful people that now exist above us - instead of beside - may be remembered always as the beautiful people they are. I pray that their loved ones have love, strength, and healing on this journey of mourning.</div>
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As I have just brought another new child into this world - it really saddens me that we are experiencing another tragedy. Two tragedies back to back - both unnecessary and heartbreaking. </div>
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I've seen a post circulate saying </div>
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<i>"I wouldn't change my children for the world, but I wish I could change this world for my children."</i></div>
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I am not sure what has happened - or why. This world we live in - is a beautiful world - filled with so many beautiful people - but there has been some disconnect. Somewhere along the line - people were taught or given the impression - that they are more important than their neighbor. That their life is more valuable than someone who is different from them. </div>
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My brother Ivan - may he rest in peace - was such a unique soul. He himself was different - with mental and physical disabilities. Sure - he may have looked a little different than what our society perceives as "normal" - but he wasn't any different than me or you. He accepted everyone for who they were - he would talk to anyone - and be anyone's friend. I am blessed that Jaxin and Olive got to know him for their first couple years of life - and experienced this type of love. </div>
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So again - somewhere along the line - there was some disconnect. We need to get back to the basics. Treat one another like sister and brother. Give respect to get respect. Treat others the way we want to be treated. If you have nothing nice to say - don't say anything. Or better yet - find a way to say something without sounding full of hate - find a way to have a conversation with attacking the person as a whole - and focus on the issue at hand. </div>
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I saw that post above-<i> I wouldn't change my children</i>. I think it's great. However - to change the world we live in - is to start with our children. We have been given these beautiful miracles - and they will be the next generation. I am in no way saying that the people out there who have been the cause for these tragedies have had bad parents - what I am saying - is that there were lessons that were not learned. </div>
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Teach your children the basics. Teach them love - that all people deserve love. Teach them that hate and anger doesn't solve anything. Teach them that you get more with honey than you do vinegar. That treating people with respect and treating them as the human being that they are is RIGHT. Teach them that treating people badly and attacking them because of their opinions, religion, they way the look or talk, who they choose to love - is WRONG. </div>
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I am so heartbroken that one day I will have to explain to my children that these beautiful souls were killed because of hate. That someone chose to hurt them because of who they are and who they love. </div>
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I myself, am a Christian. I will be praying for the 49 and their loved ones. I will be praying Christina and her loved ones. I will be praying for my children, for your children, for you and your loved ones. I will be praying for our world. I pray and have faith that our society, our world, all of the people on this Earth - find love again - and that hate will become something of the past. </div>
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Whether you pray or not. I hope that we all are making the steps to make this world a better place. That we all start removing the hate from our lives and learn to love and respect one another. Today could be anyone's last - remember that. </div>
CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-64974806768687831622016-05-02T18:55:00.001-07:002016-05-03T10:45:05.272-07:00Home Birth: Opal MaizeOpal Maize was born at 12:59pm on April 19th 2016. <div><br></div><div>However, the journey to labor started days before this. </div><div><br></div><div>Once I hit 40 weeks - I was frustrated and not sure why I was still pregnant. This was baby number 3. Having to remind myself that 42 weeks is acceptable to go up to. Was I holding in a fear? Was I too stressed to allow my body to go into labor? Who knew. </div><div><br></div><div>I did a fear release meditation, birth imagery meditation and prayed a lot about welcoming Opal earth side. </div><div><br></div><div>At my appointment - I was 40 weeks and 1 day. I asked for a membrane sweep to be done. I was about 3-4cm dilated. </div><div><br></div><div>No change after that appointment. Got a pedicure on the weekend - hoping the massage would hit the pressure points to induce labor. Bounced on my birth ball, did squats, walked. Nothing. No sign. </div><div><br></div><div>Sunday - I reached out to my midwives, as I woke up again crying that I was still pregnant. They said I could come in Monday for another sweep. </div><div><br></div><div>Monday morning I also made an appointment with a chiropractor - recommended by my midwife. I had never been to a chiropractor before. I was hesitant - but wanted to birth my baby - so I scheduled. </div><div><br></div><div>10:30am - sweep by my midwife. I was still the same dilation - which was a little frustrating - but I knew that could change in an instant. </div><div><br></div><div>Right after that I went next door to the chiropractor. My appointment lasted about an hour. I felt like jelly coming out of that appointment. It was awesome! My hips felt loose and I knew I needed to nap. So that's what I did. Jaxin was at school and Olive was with my mom - so I took advantage and went home to nap. </div><div><br></div><div>Fast forward to 10pm that night. My dog was at my parents house and my mom was sleeping over to help with the kids. I was using the birth ball and painting my nails. I decided to use the breast pump to see if that would bring on contractions. I had felt some pains here and there and thought maybe that would encourage my body. About 15 minutes of that and I felt contractions or "surges" come on. I text my midwife - "go to sleep now" was her response. I went to bed and woke up at 11pm with a surge. </div><div><br></div><div>At this point I decided to let my mom know and I got in the shower. </div><div><br></div><div>The surges ranged from 3min to 10min apart. I put my headphones in and listened to my Hypnobirthing meditation. I tried to sleep in between the surges - but laying flat wasn't an option. So the recliner or couch were the options. </div><div><br></div><div>I called my midwife around 2am to let her know and would call her back in about an hour if they got more consistent or intense. I had some oatmeal and tried to sleep between. </div><div><br></div><div>At 4:30am - the kids woke up looking for me and my mom. I laid back down with Olive to get her to go back to sleep and my mom laid with Jaxin. </div><div><br></div><div>At 5am I moved back out to the couch. Was either on all fours through the surges or laying my head on the couch in between to try and sleep. These were about 5min apart. </div><div><br></div><div>At 6am - they were intense, tried to eat cereal. I needed to get in the shower and try and relax. I called my midwife, text my doula and birth photographer and my mom called my mother in law. </div><div><br></div><div>My surges never were consistent at 5 min apart. They were still ranging from 3min to 6 min apart. </div><div><br></div><div>Everyone arrived to my house around 8am. I was checked - about 5-6cm and my water bag was bulging. Thank God. I needed to know my body was progressing. </div><div><br></div><div>After this point - it was a calm environment. The kids were there - involved. My mom made some eggs - I got to eat once more before Opal arrived. I was able to walk around, use the birth ball, have conversations and be with my kids. </div><div><br></div><div>My dear friend and doula - was everything. She got the tub set up. Gave my mom and mother in law direction on boiling water. Really got things in gear.. My mom and mother in law were in charge of the kids. <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I didn't have to worry about anything other than me and Opal. Just how it should have been. </span></div><div><br></div><div>At 11am I moved into the tub. I did not picture myself having a water birth - yet that's how it happened. Right before I got into the tub. I felt my Oliver. I felt him all over me and I just started crying. I missed him so much in that moment. </div><div><br></div><div>The tub was a blur for me for the first hour or so. It was very intense. My Hypnobirthing went out the window and the loud noises came out. I remember looking at the clock. 12:24. I was done. I couldn't go any farther. I didn't want to. I was crying. I wanted her out. </div><div><br></div><div>Transition. This was transition. My transition was directing my loud howls at Jenn's(doula) face, squeezing into her with my all of my strength and crying that I was done. That I couldn't anymore. </div><div><br></div><div>She was born at 12:59pm. 41 weeks in my womb. Those last few minutes - the ring of fire - the pressure - absolutely the most intense sensations my body has ever felt and worked through. </div><div><br></div><div>As soon as she was out and in my arms "I DID IT" "I DID IT MOM" !! </div><div><br></div><div>I couldn't believe she was here. It was amazing and beautiful and so full of love. </div><div><br></div><div>I am beyond grateful for everyone that was with me during her birth. All of that love and support - gave me the birth I longed for. My home birth - for our last baby - our beautiful Opal Maize. </div><div><br></div><div>Opal is named after Oliver. His birthstone is Opal. Both my daughters hold a piece of their brother in their name and in their hearts. I know he held their hands on their journey in my womb and is watching over both of them now. </div><div><br></div><div>Thank you to everyone for all the love, prayers ,positive vibes. Everything. It was one hell of a journey - but worth every second. </div>CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-25741218119614912722016-04-16T06:26:00.000-07:002016-04-16T06:26:18.790-07:0040 weeks 4 days with Opal Maize<div style="text-align: center;">
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40 Weeks & 4 days with Miss Opal Maize</div>
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I am still pregnant with my third baby! It has definitely been a journey to this point. </div>
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Hey Fun Fact!! Only FIVE percent of babies are born on their due date! And going to 42 weeks - is totally normal! </div>
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Many people know this about me, and some don't. I have always wanted a natural home birth. I looked into it with Oliver - but at 12 weeks - we received his fatal diagnosis - and I knew we were going to have a different birth plan. </div>
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At 34 weeks 5 days - our little man was born sleeping and called Home. The most beautiful and heartbreaking experience of my entire life.</div>
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We were blessed to become pregnant with Olive just about 5 months after having Oliver. I went to a birth center and looked into a home birth as well. But I was still so raw. My heart needed so much healing. We never got the answers to why Oliver was sick. Did I need a NICU staff? Did we need immediate care for her? Who knew. So we stayed the hospital route. I scared myself into an induction just 3 days before her due date. The doctors didn't recommend it. That was ALL me - I wanted my baby out and I wanted her out right then and there! Which I have accepted.</div>
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Olive brought healing to my heart. But I was still needing healing to my body and mind. </div>
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Which brings us to Opal. I had two miscarriages in between Olive and Opal. And also the loss of my brother Ivan. I was so ready to give up. But God had another plan - and we have had a successful and healthy pregnancy with Opal. I have had tremendous support - from my midwives, birth center team, my dear friend who will be my doula support, my mom, and most importantly - my husband. </div>
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Those closest to me know how important this birth is for me. Am I super anxious to be post dates? Who wouldn't be? As a loss mom - this is unchartered territory - somewhere I never wanted to be. Each pregnancy is different. Each baby is different. Each moment is different. </div>
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<i>I will birth my baby - when both her and my body are ready. </i></div>
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<i>My body will open - my baby will come out. </i></div>
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<i>I will have the gentle birth that my baby and I deserve. </i></div>
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<i>I will get my healing.</i></div>
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I appreciate everyone who has reached out - checking in - sharing their love. Positive words of encouragement and positive birth stories are the only thing I am accepting at this point. </div>
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It's not that I am ignoring you - or pushing aside your experience - but right now - it's not what I need. Opal can feel my anxiety and stress. <b style="font-style: italic;">Right now - she needs to feel my trust and love.</b> <b><i>She needs to know - it is safe to come out, it is safe to be born. </i></b></div>
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If you reach out - and don't hear from me until after Opal is born - it's because I am focusing on her right now. I am dedicating all my time to Oliver, Jaxin, Olive and Opal. I am going to be surrounding myself in their kisses, hugs, and love until it is time for Opal to make her arrival. </div>
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As soon as Opal has made it Earth side - and we have gotten to stare at each other and learn each other - I will share her with all of you. </div>
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Again -- I appreciate all the kind words, prayers, positive vibes and energy. It truly takes a village. </div>
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That being said - Opal - it is safe to be born - we are ready for you. </div>
CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-4840002180569883722016-03-04T18:42:00.001-08:002016-03-04T18:45:11.416-08:0034 weeks 5 daysI was 34 weeks and 5 days into my pregnancy when it was time so say hello & goodbye to Oliver. <div><br></div><div>At 34 weeks and 5 days - my life as I knew it - would change. </div><div><br></div><div>During my pregnancy journey with Olive - I was filled with emotion approaching and passing this milestone. </div><div><br></div><div>And as we approach this date now, on our journey with Opal - the same emotions are flooding in. I find myself eagerly completing kick counts and checking in mentally and emotionally with all of my babies. </div><div><br></div><div>With each child my life has changed - for the better. I am still very much mourning Oliver and his transition from here with me to up above. I honestly don't know that the mourning will ever end. Nor, that I want it to. </div><div><br></div><div>Oliver would be - IS - three and a half years old today. I know that he held Olive's hand and guided her to me. And I know he is doing the same for Opal. </div><div><br></div><div>We are getting closer to our due date - and I ask only for continued love, prayers and positive vibes sent our way. </div><div><br></div><div>Opal, Olive & Jaxin - have the best guardian angels up above - Oliver & Uncle Ivan. I know my babies are safe here because of the two of them - looking over us each and every day. </div><div><br></div><div>It comforts me feeling their prescence everyday. Knowing that they have never left my side. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-22212664340656501732016-02-02T17:55:00.001-08:002016-02-05T18:53:24.019-08:00"It's a girl"Before we found out we were pregnant again, I had dreams that my next baby would be a boy. I<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> felt emotionally and mentally ready to carry and birth another little boy. </span><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I was so thankful that Olive was a girl - and I didn't have to face that emotional journey of a little boy so soon after Oliver. I knew I was not even close to ready with her pregnancy.</span></div><div><div><br></div><div>Once we did get pregnant with this baby {Opal}, we swore this baby was a boy. I felt in my heart that this baby would be a boy. I so longed for a little boy. </div><div><br></div><div>Gender disappointment. It's real. And it doesn't feel good. I had such a hard time accepting that this baby was a girl. I've had three ultrasounds and still don't feel 100%. All have confirmed that she indeed, is a girl. </div><div><br></div><div>I have felt so horrible and guilty - wishing for anything other than a healthy baby. How dare I be picky? How dare I long for a certain gender when I first hand know what it's like to give birth and come home without your baby? </div><div><br></div><div>It's taken a lot of work to accept that it's okay to have felt like that. That it's normal to wish for an experience I didn't have. I didn't get to hear my baby boy cry, I didn't get to nurse him, or to buy him handsome little outfits that he would grow out of. I am still mourning the loss of my son and the loss of the experience of taking care of my him. </div><div><br></div><div>I know what it is like to raise a boy starting at 2 years old. Insert: Jaxin Ivan. My beautiful godson and nephew - that I am so blessed to care for day in and day out. He has brought my so much healing to my heart. But those first two years - I'll never know how it will be with a little boy. </div><div><br></div><div>I've found myself talking to Opal, letting her know that I don't love her any less for being a girl. I love her just the same as my other children. I feel horrible that I wished she was anything but the miracle she is right now. </div><div><br></div><div>But that's okay. And it's normal. So many moms experience the gender disappointment phase of pregnancy. It's not something to be ashamed of. It's definitely not something to bottle up either. Expecting mothers have so many hormones, thoughts and feelings, that we shouldn't have to feel we can't express what we are feeling. The way we feel - doesn't affect the love we have for our babies. </div><div><br></div><div>I've been working through this phase. And to be honest , I will be working it through it until I give birth and see her beautiful face. </div></div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDlXIZkmBjw9xp_ZNi6e-dpF9hqQyg878ApjlLuylMBl3HGcg_rEt_jp6moXeuVhCYPW7D49Utz5zoB3AxKwpKev08f60HBCSQjfU9kONljz5KeWctzbs5xXxyo_WpkxV51pmBAN_g7QeU/s640/blogger-image-1407549072.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDlXIZkmBjw9xp_ZNi6e-dpF9hqQyg878ApjlLuylMBl3HGcg_rEt_jp6moXeuVhCYPW7D49Utz5zoB3AxKwpKev08f60HBCSQjfU9kONljz5KeWctzbs5xXxyo_WpkxV51pmBAN_g7QeU/s640/blogger-image-1407549072.jpg"></a></div><br></div>CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-40024919997973796082016-01-06T05:15:00.001-08:002016-01-06T05:15:28.701-08:00Hypnobirthing - Opal's Home BirthIt's been awhile since I have posted. <div><br></div><div>I'll get to that in another post. </div><div><br></div><div>Last night I had my first session of Hypnobirthing. </div><div><br></div><div>I wanted to have a natural home birth with Oliver. However, as many of you know - that was not an option. At 12 weeks that idea and want of mine was taken away. </div><div><br></div><div>I went and checked out a birth center when I was pregnant with Olive, but my emotions were not ready to allow me to have that either. I was too paranoid and too concerned that we needed a back up at the hospital. Since Oliver was never diagnosed with a "condition" - the hospital made a better option for my peace of mind and heart. </div><div><br></div><div>After I had Olive - I said that her birth - brought healing to my heart. I birthed a beautiful baby girl - perfect and healthy in every way. A beautiful blessing from above. </div><div><br></div><div>That said - I still was longing for healing of my body. I have held a lot of guilt on my body for having so many losses. It was a constant thought - "if and when I get pregnant again - I will have a healing birth". </div><div><br></div><div>With Opal - my morning sickness and exhaustion have been extreme - but mentally - I feel great. I know she is healthy, safe and watched over from above. I am not letting fear take over. She is a gift from God - and we will have a beuatiful birth. </div><div><br></div><div>Oliver's birth was beautiful - as he was my first born son and the moment I became a mother. </div><div><br></div><div>Olive's birth was beautiful - as she was our first rainbow baby. A baby we were able to hear cry out and to spend time here on Earth with us as a family. </div><div><br></div><div>Opal's birth will be beautiful because she will be our second rainbow - our home birth baby - a miracle baby - who was in His plan for us, not ours. </div><div><br></div><div>During the session last night - there was a relaxation exercise. The description provided - to go to a kitchen I love - to smell the food being made. I found myself in my mothers kitchen. It wasn't the food she was making that relaxed me. It wasn't the kitchen itself really. It was because when I went to that place - my brother was there. Ivan - the strongest man I know - was there with me. He may have left us physically - but he has never left my heart nor my side. He is giving me strength. </div><div><br></div><div>I truly believe that Oliver and Ivan are guiding me through this process and they are the reason for Opal. I feel such a presence of the two of them with me everyday. And I know they will be there during the birth of this precious new princess. </div><div><br></div><div>13 weeks left (give or take) until Opal comes earth side - I am in no rush - as I know that there is a plan - greater than me. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div>CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-7190636935940606922015-10-24T08:03:00.000-07:002015-10-24T08:03:22.077-07:00Three years ago today<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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3 years ago today - I woke up and knew that my life as I knew it was going to change forever. That day is so vivid for me. I remember going to bed the night before, knowing that Oliver would pass by the morning.<br />
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I was so in tune with my boy and my body. Though I didn't have fluid - and his movements were so soft and gentle, I could count on them. I knew his pattern. He would wake me up in the middle the night - except this one. I checked his heart rate and it was slowing down. When I woke up on October 24, 2012 - I knew. I checked his heart rate with my doppler - silence.<br />
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<i>I remember being calm. I remember crying. I remember being scared. </i></div>
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It has been 3 years since my boy made his way to me. I am heart broken. I am also happy. I am happy that I am his mother. I am happy that I chose not to abort - and I saw his beautiful face. The most handsome baby boy - that was my son. My Oliver. </div>
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Oliver has given my life so much meaning. He made me a mother. He made us a family. He is a big brother to a beautiful little sister and his new sibling in my belly. He is my everything. </div>
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I choose to celebrate his life while I mourn.</div>
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This journey is still just beginning - my life with him above. </div>
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His birthday is tomorrow, October 25th. </div>
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Happy Birthday my sweet baby angel. </div>
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I know your Uncle Ivan is celebrating with you.</div>
CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-64774064229721170062015-10-15T16:54:00.001-07:002015-10-16T07:19:26.009-07:00Our New AdditionWe are now 14 weeks along with our new addition. I announced a few weeks ago - and needed some time to think about this post. I wanted to wait until some of my emotions subsided. Of course -- I am beyond excited and blessed to have this new miracle growing inside of me. But --- my brother is gone and so is my son. The two people who I want here by my side to welcome this new bundle of joy. I was sad and angry. It was hard for me to get passed that.<br />
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Ivan has been with me everyday - since the day I was born. He still has not left my side. Ivan has taken care of so many things since he went Home.<br />
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To some this may sound silly - but to me and my family - it's Ivan. Before Ivan's body left this earth - I whispered into his hear - mind you while I was sobbing my eyes out - telling him - that if he was going to leave me - he needed to make sure I got my house. I said - he needed to work things out upstairs and help his little sister out.<br />
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The day I found out our loan and contract were solid and we were about 2 weeks away to close - I got in my car -- as I do -- and Bluetooth call my husband. "Call Husband" - I've mastered this voice command and have had no issues. But that day --- I said it and the response was "Did you mean to call Ivan Valentin?". HELL YES - that is definitely who I meant to call. He took care of me.<br />
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The day Ivan went into the hospital, the day Ivan truly went Home - June 1st - was one of the worst days I have experienced. As soon as my mom and I arrived at the hospital - I began to have another miscarriage. I couldn't even process that - as we were waiting to hear Ivan's status.<br />
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I gave up, I deleted all my apps, didn't track, no tricks. I was over trying to have another baby. 2 months later - I found out I was pregnant. Ivan took care of me. Ivan knew that despite me wanting to give up - that wasn't what I really wanted. I wanted another baby.<br />
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Carrying this new life -- I feel Oliver and Ivan with me everyday. I know they are with me. I know they are going to be with me until we meet again.<br />
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The impact these two have had on my life --- will forever be with me.<br />
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There will be days of anger, of sadness, of confusion, of bitterness. Those days will NEVER out number the days of happiness, love, memories, family, and warmth. They send me signs when I need them most - and I look forward to those moments.<br />
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Jaxin talks about his Uncle Ivan everyday - and knows Oliver lives with him. Olive lights up every time she sees his picture, and she will grow to know her big brother.<br />
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This new baby - may never meet their Uncle Ivan - but they will know him. They will know and love their Uncle Ivan and big brother Oliver. They will know they are with God - waiting until it is time for us to go Home.<br />
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Thank you to everyone for all the love in celebrating this new life, and for all of the support with Oliver and Ivan. I am so grateful to have such a large support system. Each one of the kind words I hear - helps me - reminds me that I have a purpose - that my son had a purpose - that my brother had a purpose.<br />
<br />CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-44744010534383230322015-06-27T06:34:00.000-07:002015-06-27T06:34:33.781-07:00.27 years.As I wake up on my 27th birthday, I am feeling two different ways.<br />
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Part of me feels defeated, broken. Last night - I spent a lot of time crying - missing my big brother, Ivan. This is my first birthday without him here with me. He has been gone 23 days - and it is just not fair. He should be here, my son, Oliver, should be here. I feel incomplete. We have been through so much - and I just feel as if - something else is about to cause heartbreak.<br />
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Then part of me feels - <i>blessed</i>. This great loss I feel - wouldn't feel so great if it wasn't for all of the love I have shared. My brother was my biggest inspiration - the reason I kept on. My son, made me a mother - gave me purpose. I have made it to 27 years old, where I know one to many who have not.<br />
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I have overcome so much. Addiction, domestic violence, miscarriage after miscarriage, depression, my stillborn son, the birth of my daughter, the loss of my brother. Yes - I have overcome the birth of my daughter. As joyous and miraculous having her was it was - <i>one of the hardest experiences. </i>Bringing her home - looking at her - having a great fear that I would have a horrible postpartum depression. Every day was another day that I feared she would have an illness like her brother had and become an angel. Today - she has given me such love and happiness - healing my heart of so much pain.<br />
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I have been tested and tried. While I have failed many times - I have also succeeded. I have learned and grown so much in the past few years. I have a strong marriage, beautiful children - above and beside, a loving and truly supportive family - and above all <i>my faith</i>.<br />
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All of this being said - I must wish a Happy Birthday to my mother. 27 years ago today - at around 2 in the afternoon - she gave birth to me via c-section. She accepted the role as my mother - with taking one look at me - knowing that <i>I was a lover and also a fighter</i>. She has been there for me - through the ups and the downs. She has never enabled - but always supported. If it wasn't for her - completing the task that our Father in Heaven provided to her -- I wouldn't be here today.<br />
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Here is to 27 years down and many more to come. 27 years has proven - that if we have love, faith, and surround ourselves with those who will support us - we can conquer all.<br />
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<br />CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-65501248343053980282015-06-05T06:36:00.001-07:002015-06-05T06:36:56.054-07:00Dear OliverDear Oliver,<br />
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Your Tio Ivan is with you now. But I think you already knew that on Monday. I haven't felt like this since I had to say goodbye to you. It doesn't feel right, giving a last kiss knowing it won't happen again.<br />
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I've told you before, but he knew. He knew that you were safe with God when you were still in my belly. He told your Buela that it's okay and you were okay.<br />
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Tio Ivan always had one foot in Heaven and one foot on Earth. He was so special. He had a connection with God that I hope I can one day have. I know that he is with you in Heaven and you both are healthy and whole. No pain for either of you. Just love.<br />
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I am so sad Oliver. I know you both are with me. I know you both will always be with me. He was the best big brother to your mama. He loved me so much and he always let me know. He gives the best hugs. Make sure you tell him that for me.<br />
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He loves Jaxin and Olive so much. And they love him so much. Olive gave him so many kisses in the hospital. She said bye-bye to her Tio. She is so big now and is such a loving little girl. Jaxin doesn't really know what is going on yet, but he gave Tio a big kiss and told him he loves him.<br />
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I miss you both so much. I don't understand why we have to be on this journey. But I know there is a purpose. I know that I will see you both again. I know that you are both taking care of each-other until I get there.<br />
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Tio Ivan touched so many lives, just as you did. He was a strong man. He made everyone smile and laugh. He inspired everyone he met. He accomplished so much during his 28 years on Earth. He loved you, so so much.<br />
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I love you both and I wish that I could say those words to you out loud and kiss your beautiful faces.<br />
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Let God know that your mama needs strength right now. Tell him to hold your Buela's hand.<br />
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Oliver, my sweet baby boy, we all love you and miss you. Tell Tio Ivan that we love and miss him too. That as each day goes on - that love will only increase and that not a day will ever go by that we aren't thinking of you.<br />
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I love you both with my whole heart.<br />
<br />
- MamaCJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-54385241289012129382015-04-26T07:39:00.001-07:002015-04-26T07:39:24.200-07:00913 Days<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This photo was taken about a month ago. I love this picture. This is a beautiful picture taken on a beautiful day. That being said, that wasn't my first thought. Which I have felt very guilty about. My first thought was, <i>"Why isn't Oliver in this picture?"</i>. I have been struggling quite a bit these past few months. And after seeing this picture, I just felt a bit more broken hearted, I miss my sweet boy more than anything, and it is definitely a daily struggle accepting that he isn't here with me, to be a part of these beautiful moments.<br />
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Oliver is now 2 and a half years old. He has been gone for <b><i>913 days</i></b>. 913 days I have lived on this earth without my baby boy. 913 days that I have made it since he was called Home. Not a day goes by that my stomach doesn't turn, that my heart doesn't skip, that his name doesn't leave my mouth. I make it a point to speak about my child. We talk about him everyday. We have talked about him <i>every single day for the past 913 days</i> - and will continue to do so for the many days ahead until I am called Home to be greeted by my sweet baby angel.<br />
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Some days are easier than others, naturally. Some days my tears are not because I am in pain, but because someone took the time to tell me about the sign Oliver sent them. These days are tears of joy, because my baby boy in Heaven still very much loves his mama and wants me to know that. Some days it's because Olive has shown me a glimpse of her brother's face in hers. Or when Jaxin points out Oliver's pictures on the wall. Some days I am bitter, I am angry, that my son was taken from me too soon. My son should have lived beyond my days. This journey of grief - is a roller coaster - that I pray no one else has to ride.<br />
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This picture here is a beautiful picture, and I cherish it very much. I just wish Oliver was in it too.<br />
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Oliver is with us in our hearts, minds, and souls. We carry him with us always. I long for the day I get to hold him again.<br />
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I love you my sweet baby angel. With all of my heart. </div>
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You made me a mother, my first born son. </div>
CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-13271724519037209032015-02-28T06:39:00.002-08:002015-02-28T06:47:24.938-08:00Jaxin's 4th Birthday<div style="text-align: center;">
Today is Jaxin's 4th Birthday.</div>
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It has been 4 beautiful years that this<br />
little boy has been changing our lives.</div>
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I am so honored and blessed that I was chosen to be his Madrina (Godmother). It has been such a gift.<br />
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As soon as he woke up this morning "Is my party ready?". This kid has been non-stop asking when people are going to "sing at him" and give him presents. It's adorable. His party is tomorrow -- I can't wait to see the crazy that is going down for that. I think this year he finally gets that it's a day all about him!<br />
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This is how this morning went down.</div>
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7:20am - we are awake - Andrew is at work - so I am solo with Olive and Jaxin.<br />
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7:48am - the task of breakfast is still attempted.<br />
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7:56am - his dad calls - to sing him Happy Birthday - Jaxin cannot focus because they are not on face-time.<br />
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8:00am - face-time with his Dad and Megan -- singing Happy Birthday<br />
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So far a success......<br />
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Olive has eaten, Jaxin is still milking his yogurt -- he is semi-focusing on the call. The call is about to end because they have to go to work and Jaxin is saying bye. I take over the call and talk to my brother about how things are going. Pan to Olive --- she has gotten into the dog food - <i>again</i>. I put the phone down - my brother is laughing - "I've told you not to eat the dog food" - clearly a phrase said more than 15 times to this 12 month old. Now she is mad at me that I have taken the dog food from her. Jaxin has tripped over his own two feet - and the yogurt has taken a hit. The spoon is now somewhere under the couch. Jaxin is now crying because he <i>"meeds his spoon"</i>. Of course he does. Olive now has my phone and is attempting to face-time with my brother.<br />
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I have now said goodbye to my brother and found the spoon, set Jaxin back up and we are good.<br />
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Jaxin asks for some milk - sure no problem. I grab his pediasure - shake it put it down. Grab his cup. I have clearly forgotten that a.) I have already shaken this and b.) I have also unscrewed the top. Now I have milk all over me - the floor - and a 4 year old demanding his milk. I take my fit-bit off -- can't get that wet.<br />
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Milk is served - cleaning the mess. Olive is cranky - nap time. Okay good - one is going down. Meanwhile I have been pacing back and forth - now trying to figure out where my fit-bit is so I get credit for all of my steps. It's in the laundry basket? Why? Olive - obviously. Jaxin has finished his yogurt! Where's my phone? Ah, yes, the toy box again. Perfect. Oh Olive is crying again, false alarm on that nap time. And the Jaxin -- "Nina - I need your phone to play temple run." . Sure, no prob.<br />
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Has this morning been wild? Yes. I love every second that I get to have these two drive me crazy. I wouldn't be me without them. Jaxin was a surprise baby. Born 7 weeks early via c-section. Since day one - keeping us on our toes. He has brought so much love to our family. He has brought me such healing. Every time I look at him - I remember how blessed I am. He is learning more every day - he is such a beautiful, smart, and amazing boy. I cannot thank my brother, Jayce and his mother, Devin, enough. You both have no idea how happy, honored and blessed I feel being able to call this beautiful boy my Godson. </div>
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Happy 4th Birthday Jaxin! </div>
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I love you more than I could ever express in words! </div>
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CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4518107019249769458.post-43578275426896073962015-02-04T18:13:00.000-08:002015-02-04T18:25:18.753-08:00Dear Olive,Dear Olive,<br />
<br />
We are on the eve of your first birthday. I am in shock in regards to how fast this year has gone by. I have watched you grow, heard your cries and laughs. I have witnessed your rolling over, crawling, walking and new words. I have gotten to experience so many milestones and create so many memories in this past year. I am so grateful for each and every second that I have had with you.<br />
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I am so beyond proud of who you are today and the girl you will become and the woman you will one day be. You are strong little lady. Full of so much love and happiness. It makes me feel so amazing that you have managed to touch so many lives with the beaming smile you love to share. I am so blessed to be able to call you mine. <i>To be able to say that you are my daughter</i>.<br />
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Your big brother is always watching over you and with you every step of the way. I love that you smile when you see his picture on my phone, it makes me feel like the two of you are having a moment together. I love that Uncle Ivan's song about Oliver - brought you a sense of peace and calmness. Since the day you were conceived I was so concerned with the bond you would have with Oliver and it is so beautiful that you have a relationship with your big brother even though he isn't physically here.<br />
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Being able to watch you and Jaxin play brings such warmth to my heart. He is your big cousin - and will always be there to protect you. You are such a blessed little girl. You have Oliver watching over you and Jaxin at your side. Knowing that these two beautiful boys will be there for you brings me such peace.<br />
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I am looking forward to this next year together. The new milestones and memories will keep us on our toes. You have such a curious mind and soul - I can't wait for the adventures we will have together. Every time I look at you - I dream about the years to come. I dream about all of the moments we will have as mother and daughter.<br />
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I promise to continue loving you, protecting you, and giving you all I have. You have given me so much love already and I am so thankful for that. I loved you before I even knew about you. I longed for you and to have you in my life. You are my miracle baby, my rainbow.<br />
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Happy Birthday Olive Juanita. </div>
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The first of many to come.</div>
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I love you baby girl.</div>
CJ Suarez {olive.rs mom}http://www.blogger.com/profile/03603133753966206293noreply@blogger.com0