This is not what I pictured



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This is not the way I imagined taking photos with my baby boy. Holding an urn, looking down, trying to keep it together for a photo. This is not what I imagined what my life would be when I wanted to start a family. Yet, here I am. Living my life with part of my heart in Heaven and part of it here. I haven't written in awhile. When I try to write I feel this weight on my chest. I miss my son. I don't understand why his life was cut short. I don't know why I wasn't able to see the color of his eyes or hear him cry. It is a daily struggle with reminding myself that it is not for me to understand. I still struggle with thinking I could have done something differently, thinking that I had any control. This feeling, this heaviness has kept me from writing as much. This feeling, this heaviness is why I started writing in the first place. Talking about Oliver's journey, the words weren't easy to say aloud without losing my breath. I've been talking about him everyday for over 7 years and telling his story has gotten easier, the pain however has not. 

I love you Oliver, every second of every day. I miss you and love you more as each second passes. I know one day we will be reunited. Until then, I will continue to keep my promise - and share your name, your journey and the strength you give to me. 

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[Photography credit: Lauren Mcdonald Photography]

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