Dear Oliver

Dear Oliver,

Tonight I am laying in bed with Olive on my left and Jaxin on my right. I watch them breathe. I stare. I soak in the love I have surrounding me. Yet I still feel empty. I never got to watch you breathe. Part of me feels so robbed, yet so blessed. I did get to stare at you. At your beautiful face, we did lay with each other the one night we had together. As I say that, the one night, I had to think, was it really just one night? I feel like we had so much time together, yet none at all. How can I feel so full and empty at the same time. I miss you. I often imagine what you would look like and how you would be acting now. How you would be interacting with your baby sister. How Jaxin would be teaching you how to play games. How we would be watching so many new milestones for you. This month you would be 20 months. I still talk about you as if you are here, alive and well. For me, you are. You are with me everywhere I go. This pain I feel, it feels so raw. As if I just lost you yesterday. It is all still so vivid for me. Tears run down my face frequently in memory of you. Even on happy days, I cry for you. You never leave my mind.

Proverbs 14:13
Even in laughter the heart may ache
and the end of joy may be grief

I long for you everyday. I love talking about you, about our journey. Some people are hesitant, maybe for me or for themselves. I appreciate those who take the step to remember you with me. My tears are not always of sadness. They are of joy. They are of love. They are in memory of you. I don't want to lose this raw feeling. I love remembering our time and I love that our relationship did not end when you were called Home. I love the time we still have together as Mother and son. I love you Oliver. More than I could ever express. My heart aches for you. My heart beats for you. 

Goodnight my precious angel

Love, 
Mommy

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