Dear Oliver

Dear Oliver,

It has been awhile since I have written to you.

I have so many emotions about that. I think about you every second of every day. I talk about you every day. I wake up thinking about you, I go to bed thinking about you. None of that has changed.

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They say there are five stages of grief:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

For your first 5 years plus our pregnancy - I bounced between the first three stages. How could this have happened? Why did this happen? I prayed for you -- what did I do to deserve this? I was thankful and grateful for you - despite the fact that we are not physically together. I would dream that you were still alive, here - with me, just to wake up without you. I would cry - but also smile thinking of how beautiful you are. You made me a mother - you made us a family. 

The fourth stage - depression - that hit this past year. Hard. I have been so sad - because it has taken that long to really set in - I am not getting you back - not here, on Earth at least. That seems crazy to say - how would I think that you would come back to me? I am a mother - who lost their son - so my mind goes places it has never gone before. 

I went and saw someone on your 5th birthday. Someone special - who told me that you are with Uncle Ivan. They said you are safe with him and you both are so happy and healthy. What they also told me - is that you aren't coming back. That having another baby - wouldn't bring you back. I knew that to an extent. But - it took hearing that - that message from you through that person - for me to begin understand and accept it. 

After I saw that person - I felt a weight lifted off of me, like I was finally able to catch a breath. You were safe, you were with Uncle Ivan. I felt that from that meeting - that I knew you felt how much love I have for you. I kept replaying that over and over. It took me awhile to process all of the information I received that day. 

After that - it's been that stage for me. I have been silently mourning you - keeping that to myself. I have distanced myself, and closed part of myself off. I haven't been able to find the strength to share that with everyone else - as I have in the past. 

Tonight, I sit here - deciding that it was time to share you - to share us again. 

A fellow mother recently lost her daughter. She shared her daughter and their story - and it reminded me of us. It reminded me why I shared our story - because together, those who have experienced this pain - can help one another - when they are in their silent struggle. That their stories, their feelings, their sadness, their happiness, their journey - is something we can relate to. And by sharing all of that, we can help each other along this journey. 

Oliver, you were with me for 34 weeks and 5 days. I prayed for you. I held you, kissed you, snuggled you. You taught me what true love is. You made me a mother, and set me on this path of motherhood. You have been with me every day since then - and I am so thankful for you. 

I don't know that I will ever truly get to stage five - and if I do, I am preparing myself to likely start the stages all over again. I do know - that with God, you, your siblings, your father - and all of our family - that I am not alone, and that I have the support I need to continue on this journey. 

I love you Oliver, more and more everyday. 

My love continues to grow for you. 

You are my sweet baby angel.