Our Life with Oliver

____________________________________________________________________ This is not the way I imagined taking photos with my baby boy. Holding an urn, looking down, trying to keep it together for a photo. This is not what I imagined what my life would be when I wanted to start a family. Yet, here I am. Living my life with part of my heart in Heaven and part of it here. I haven't written in awhile. When I try to write I feel this weight on my chest. I miss my son. I don't understand why his life was cut short. I don't know why I wasn't able to see the color of his eyes or hear him cry. It is a daily struggle with reminding myself that it is not for me to understand. I still struggle with thinking I could have done something differently, thinking that I had any control. This feeling, this heaviness has kept me from writing as much. This feeling, this heaviness is why I started writing in the first place. Talking about Oliver's journey, the words weren't easy to s...

This past weekend, myself and 7 strong, beautiful mamas all met for the first time. Except, we already knew each other on such a deep level. I can only speak for myself, but it didn't feel like meeting for the first time. The hugs we greeted each other with - were so full of emotion and love.   We have been part of each others live for so long - over 5 years - that it was about time   we made this happen. We have supported one another in the births and deaths of our children. We have confided in each other about the ups and downs we all experience in life. Our babies brought us together, but we connected on so much more.  Ben, Addison, Grace, Oliver, Sloane, Penny, Evan, Ella Those beautiful 8 babies changed our lives. Never did we expect that we would become pregnant, just to find out that we would be provided a fatal diagnosis. Yet, that's what happened. With the online forums that exist, we were all able to find each other pretty quickly after recei...

Dear Oliver, It has been awhile since I have written to you. I have so many emotions about that. I think about you every second of every day. I talk about you every day. I wake up thinking about you, I go to bed thinking about you. None of that has changed. __________________________________________________________________________ They say there are five stages of grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance For your first 5 years plus our pregnancy - I bounced between the first three stages. How could this have happened? Why did this happen? I prayed for you -- what did I do to deserve this? I was thankful and grateful for you - despite the fact that we are not physically together. I would dream that you were still alive, here - with me, just to wake up without you. I would cry - but also smile thinking of how beautiful you are. You made me a mother - you made us a family.  The fourth stage - depression - that hit this past year....

6 weeks after I gave birth to Oliver, I went back to work. Since Oliver had passed away at birth, it was 6 weeks instead of 12. When I first found that out, I was upset. When those 6 weeks had passed, I felt like it was time for me to go back to work. I knew staying home wasn't going to bring him back - and it was time to adjust to my new normal. Going back to work was rough. I arrived back the first day and my stomach was in knots as soon as I got inside the building. I went to the bathroom and just cried.  Today, I had that same feeling. I was feeling angry, upset, stressed. And then it all hit me. As soon as I put my things down at my desk, I had to rush to the bathroom and just sobbed. My body aches for my Oliver.  The month of October will never be the same for me. I have not been feeling myself for the past few days - and maybe even the past few weeks - knowing that this month was coming up. October 25 - my baby boy - my first born - will turn 5 years old. It...

I have been following the 4th Trimester Project by Photographer Ashlee Wells for quite some time.  I love her mission and her message for not just women & mothers - but for everyone who comes across her pages. When I saw that she was coming to Tampa - I knew I had to jump at this opportunity.  Oliver was my first [still] born son. He made me a mother. I still have feelings of guilt upon my body - but I am working on that. By putting myself out there - sharing not only Oliver's story - but OUR story - is what is helping me on this path of healing. Oliver was still born at 34 weeks and 5 days. At 12 weeks we learned of his fatal illness. Though I am hard on my body for Oliver not being here today - I need to remind myself daily - that my body showed Oliver a safe place here on Earth - with nothing but pure love. Oliver was a baby boy - that continued to surprise the doctors at each appointment. Making it 34 weeks and 5 days - was beyond what anyone expected. We did th...

This letter was written to Oliver on April 14, 2016.  While I was waiting for our Opal Maize to make her arrival.  Dear Oliver  I know it's been a while since I have written. I know we talk everyday - it's just different when I sit down to write you a note.  I miss you so much. I love looking at your face. You're so handsome and adorable and my heart just longs for you to be in my arms. I miss you so much. I don't even have to close my eyes to see your face. Your always in vision.  As your sisters birth approaches us - I can't help but think of the day you were born. I miss you so much. I can vividly remember the pain - going home without you. That was the worst feeling I have ever felt. But if taking that feeling away meant not being your mom - I wouldn't take that option.  You are three and a half years old. I can just picture how much of a strong little man you are. I know you are taking care of me, papi, your sisters and Jaxin. ...

He should be here. He should be here with me. He should be here with us. He should be here. He should be here getting ready to start VPK He should be here hitting milestones. He should be here throwing tantrums. He should be here. He should be here growing up with his sisters. He should be here growing up with his cousins. He should be here growing with us as a family. He should be here. He should be here testing my patience. He should be here causing chaos. He should be here fighting with me. He should be here. He should be here going to sleep with me. He should be here having me love him. He should be here with me - as son and mama. He should be here. Oliver should be here with me. He should be here. He's not here. We had such a short time together. And today it's hard for me to understand why he isn't here with me now. It's days like today that make me question everything in my life. It's days like today that I can't see clear...

{guest piece for  www.laitdelavie.com } [blend·ed fam·i·ly] noun NORTH AMERICAN a family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships ___________________________________________________________________ Traditionally, blended families consist of his, hers, and ours. We are a non-traditional blended family. As time goes on - we are becoming the norm - however - it is a mouthful to explain to those who ask about our dynamic. Especially - now that Jaxin has started Kindergarten. I've drawn a "non-traditional" family tree. The kids are listed first - because they are the priority and who really matter in this world of ours.  Now the fun part - the explanation. Jaxin was the first born out of this wild group. He was born in 2011 - to Devin & Jayce. Jayce is my little brother. A high school romance created this handsome little man - who has brought so much love and light into our home and h...

We are winding down into Holiday time as the end of the year approaches. Ever since we had Oliver, the holidays have such a different level of anxiety for me. Holiday pictures, events, gatherings - I strive to make sure all of my children feel special. I want to make sure that we can look back as a family and know that everyone  felt involved.  Easier said than done. So much time gets away with us as these days fly by. It is as equally exhausting as it is amazing. At first, with just Oliver & Jaxin, it wasn't that difficult as a task to meet. Now, we have Oliver, Jaxin, Olive and Opal. [side note: we wanted one child.  we all see how that played out :) ] I want my kids to feel my love - but to not have one feel less than the other. I worry that I try to hard to include Oliver -- that I almost let my grief over shadow the happiness of the holiday time. I try to make sure Olive and Jaxin feel equal with time and attention -- which often times ends up as s...

October 25,2012 - we said Hello & Goodbye to our first born son. And while that day is one of the most meaningful days of my life - October 24 is just as powerful.  October 24, 2012 - I learned how strong of a bond Oliver and I had. I knew his routine. I knew his touch in my womb. I knew his heartbeat. So when I went to bed the night of the 23rd - I knew that October 24 may be a very scary day.  That morning I woke up - Andrew was already out of the house. I didn't go to work because I knew I would need to call the doctor.  I had a soda the night before in hopes to get him moving. His heart rate was slowing down when I checked before I went to sleep.  I got my Doppler and checked for his heart rate. Nothing.  Silently freaking the hell out.  I called my mom. No answer. She was getting her hair done. I called the salon. Told her it was time. I went to my parents to wait for my mom to go to the doctor with me. I checked for his he...

I had a plan, that by the time I was twenty-five years old I would have had a child. I became pregnant when I was twenty three years old - on our first cycle of trying. We were both so shocked it happened so fast but so excited at the same time. At our very first appointment - about 9 weeks - we were told everything looked great. There was a heartbeat and a little peanut growing away. I had originally opted out of the NT scan between 12-13 weeks and then changed my mind. I wanted another ultrasound to have more pictures of my little bean. It was at that appointment that this plan of mine took a turn. We were told that we needed to see a high risk doctor and from that appointment on was just continued confirmation that our little boy had a fatal diagnosis. I was quickly reminded that it is never our plan but His above. We chose to carry to term despite his fatal diagnosis. I couldn't end my child's life - I was, am, and will always be his mother. I became an advocate for my so...

Yesterday I turned 28. I received so many birthday wishes - thank you all for that.  I still felt pretty incomplete without my son Oliver and my brother Ivan.  I went to my moms and stayed at her house. I went on a walk with Opal and took that time to pray. I feel really lost lately and I am asking God for a lot right now. As I ended my prayer - I saw a green butterfly. That was my brother. Ivan wanted to make sure he said happy birthday to me.  When I went inside and told my mom - I was still a little sad. My brother sends a lot of signs. Oliver didn't live on earth - there wasn't any items I could attach him to.  I am in a "mom group" and a mom was looking for ideas for something to send to another loss mama who recently lost her baby. I told her whatever gift if perfect - because thinking of her and her baby is gift enough. I said I would have loved for a reminder of my boy when I said goodbye from a friend. She took it upon herself to send me this. This was weeks...

I've been debating speaking my mind on this. There have been so many posts and so many things said. First things first -- I pray for all of those affected by this tragedy, those affected directly and indirectly. The lives lost - may they not be in vain. That all of these beautiful people that now exist above us - instead of beside - may be remembered always as the beautiful people they are. I pray that their loved ones have love, strength, and healing on this journey of mourning. As I have just brought another new child into this world - it really saddens me that we are experiencing another tragedy. Two tragedies back to back - both unnecessary and heartbreaking.  I've seen a post circulate saying  "I wouldn't change my children for the world, but I wish I could change this world for my children." I am not sure what has happened - or why. This world we live in - is a beautiful world - filled with so many beautiful people - but there has been some ...

Opal Maize was born at 12:59pm on April 19th 2016.  However, the journey to labor started days before this.  Once I hit 40 weeks - I was frustrated and not sure why I was still pregnant. This was baby number 3. Having to remind myself that 42 weeks is acceptable to go up to. Was I holding in a fear? Was I too stressed to allow my body to go into labor? Who knew.  I did a fear release meditation, birth imagery meditation and prayed a lot about welcoming Opal earth side.  At my appointment - I was 40 weeks and 1 day. I asked for a membrane sweep to be done. I was about 3-4cm dilated.  No change after that appointment. Got a pedicure on the weekend - hoping the massage would hit the pressure points to induce labor. Bounced on my birth ball, did squats, walked. Nothing. No sign.  Sunday - I reached out to my midwives, as I woke up again crying that I was still pregnant. They said I could come in Monday for another sweep.  Monday morning I also made an appo...

40 Weeks & 4 days with Miss Opal Maize I am still pregnant with my third baby! It has definitely been a journey to this point.  Hey Fun Fact!! Only FIVE percent of babies are born on their due date! And going to 42 weeks - is totally normal!  Many people know this about me, and some don't. I have always wanted a natural home birth. I looked into it with Oliver - but at 12 weeks - we received his fatal diagnosis - and I knew we were going to have a different birth plan.  At 34 weeks 5 days - our little man was born sleeping and called Home. The most beautiful and heartbreaking experience of my entire life. We were blessed to become pregnant with Olive just about 5 months after having Oliver. I went to a birth center and looked into a home birth as well. But I was still so raw. My heart needed so much healing. We never got the answers to why Oliver was sick. Did I need a NICU staff? Did we need immediate care for her? Who knew. So we stayed the ho...

I was 34 weeks and 5 days into my pregnancy when it was time so say hello & goodbye to Oliver.  At 34 weeks and 5 days - my life as I knew it - would change.  During my pregnancy journey with Olive - I was filled with emotion approaching and passing this milestone.  And as we approach this date now, on our journey with Opal - the same emotions are flooding in. I find myself eagerly completing kick counts and checking in mentally and emotionally with all of my babies.  With each child my life has changed - for the better. I am still very much mourning Oliver and his transition from here with me to up above. I honestly don't know that the mourning will ever end. Nor, that I want it to.  Oliver would be - IS - three and a half years old today. I know that he held Olive's hand and guided her to me. And I know he is doing the same for Opal.  We are getting closer to our due date - and I ask only for continued love, prayers and positive vibes sent our way....

Before we found out we were pregnant again, I had dreams that my next baby would be a boy. I  felt emotionally and mentally ready to carry and birth another little boy.  I was so thankful that Olive was a girl - and I didn't have to face that emotional journey of a little boy so soon after Oliver. I knew I was not even close to ready with her pregnancy. Once we did get pregnant with this baby {Opal}, we swore this baby was a boy. I felt in my heart that this baby would be a boy. I so longed for a little boy.  Gender disappointment. It's real. And it doesn't feel good. I had such a hard time accepting that this baby was a girl. I've had three ultrasounds and still don't feel 100%. All have confirmed that she indeed, is a girl.  I have felt so horrible and guilty - wishing for anything other than a healthy baby. How dare I be picky? How dare I long for a certain gender when I first hand know what it's like to give birth and come home without your baby?  It's t...

It's been awhile since I have posted.  I'll get to that in another post.  Last night I had my first session of Hypnobirthing.  I wanted to have a natural home birth with Oliver. However, as many of you know - that was not an option. At 12 weeks that idea and want of mine was taken away.  I went and checked out a birth center when I was pregnant with Olive, but my emotions were not ready to allow me to have that either. I was too paranoid and too concerned that we needed a back up  at the hospital. Since Oliver was never diagnosed with a "condition" - the hospital made a better option for my peace of mind and heart.  After I had Olive - I said that her birth - brought healing to my heart. I birthed a beautiful baby girl - perfect and healthy in every way. A beautiful blessing from above.  That said - I still was longing for healing of my body. I have held a lot of guilt on my body for having so many losses. It was a constant thought - "if and when I get...

3 years ago today - I woke up and knew that my life as I knew it was going to change forever. That day is so vivid for me. I remember going to bed the night before, knowing that Oliver would pass by the morning. I was so in tune with my boy and my body. Though I didn't have fluid - and his movements were so soft and gentle, I could count on them. I knew his pattern. He would wake me up in the middle the night - except this one. I checked his heart rate and it was slowing down. When I woke up on October 24, 2012 - I knew. I checked his heart rate with my doppler - silence. I remember being calm. I remember crying. I remember being scared.  It has been 3 years since my boy made his way to me. I am heart broken. I am also happy. I am happy that I am his mother. I am happy that I chose not to abort - and I saw his beautiful face. The most handsome baby boy - that was my son. My Oliver.  Oliver has given my life so much meaning. He made me a mother. He made us a fami...

We are now 14 weeks along with our new addition. I announced a few weeks ago - and needed some time to think about this post. I wanted to wait until some of my emotions subsided. Of course -- I am beyond excited and blessed to have this new miracle growing inside of me. But --- my brother is gone and so is my son. The two people who I want here by my side to welcome this new bundle of joy. I was sad and angry. It was hard for me to get passed that. Ivan has been with me everyday - since the day I was born. He still has not left my side. Ivan has taken care of so many things since he went Home. To some this may sound silly - but to me and my family - it's Ivan. Before Ivan's body left this earth - I whispered into his hear - mind you while I was sobbing my eyes out - telling him - that if he was going to leave me - he needed to make sure I got my house. I said - he needed to work things out upstairs and help his little sister out. The day I found out our loan and contract ...