Our Life with Oliver

Dear Oliver, Happy 1st Birthday. I am in shock that it has been a year since I got to see your beautiful face and hold your precious little body. You were 3lbs,15 oz, 15.5 inches long and born at 5:49pm. We spent 34 weeks and 5 days together. In that short time, our bond became so strong. I know everything about you and I know that you are still with me. I know that you are a strong, brave, beautiful and amazing little boy. Strong and brave because you beat the odds. Because you didn't accept that timeline the doctors had set, because you stayed with me for as long as you could hold out for. Beautiful and amazing because you changed my life and changed my heart. You have made me a better person, a better mother, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend. You have touched the lives of so many other people. I am so proud of all you have accomplished in your short life here on Earth. I know the celebration in Heaven is going to be wonderful. I wish that I could be with you, ...

I was given the option to medically terminate, to abort - and I considered that option. I chose that option. I sat on that for a week. I thank God everyday - that I reconsidered and plan to carry my son for as long as he would let me. As I considered to terminate my pregnancy I asked if I would be able to hold Oliver after and how the process would go. As I learned that a medicine would need to be injected to stop his heart - that idea was just something I couldn't go through with. He would have been so tiny at 20 weeks and even holding him then, I wouldn't have been able to truly see my son. How could I do that to my baby? I sat on this for a week. For one week I laid on the couch and felt my baby move and contemplated what I would do. What would be best for me? my baby? my family?  The only question that needed to be answered - As his mother - what is best for my son? I thank God that I was informed that I could carry him to term. That I was contacted to go over this ...

There was only one ultrasound that I was able to enjoy with Oliver - and that was the gender ultrasound. We found out we were having a precious baby boy! All of the others - were sad and upsetting with more bad news and information on what health issues Oliver had. The 20 week anatomy scan was the worst to come. Everything was confirmed and the "waiting game" began. Yet still beating the odds and making it to 35 weeks. I was blessed with such a fighter and amazing little boy. With the journey we had with Oliver - has made every ultrasound with Olive a scare for me. I have gone in very anxious and cautious. We have been blessed to know that Olive has passed all of the tests and is a very healthy baby girl. Measuring a week ahead and already making her personality known. The 20 week scan - was beautiful. Her kidneys were perfect and we were able to see her bladder - which we were not able to see with her brother. Her heart and brain are in perfect order. We have been truly ...

Every single day since I have met my beautiful baby boy - I have replayed the last few days I got to spend with him. I vividly remember sitting at work, drinking a soda, trying to get him moving. I remember slowly and silently starting to panic. I went to my moms as usual after work, had another soda, then went home. Did the doppler at home and noticed his heartbeat wasn't as high as normal. I didn't mention any of my worries to my husband, I wanted to give it some more time before I put worry in everyone else. I went to sleep that night and noticed I didn't feel his midnight dance party. That morning I didn't go to work. I waited for Andrew to leave the house, then I took the doppler out. Nothing. No heartbeat. I called my mom's cell. No answer (and naturally I called several times, as one does when someone doesn't answer their first call). I called my parents house and talked to my dad. He offered to come pick me up, but I said I would just drive over. I calle...

Dear Oliver - Today we had the NT scan for your little brother/sister and everything looks beautiful. This is the scan where I found out that you were sick. I was so devastated. I had fallen madly in love with you already - and they were already telling me you would be leaving me sooner than I was expecting. When we had to say goodbye to you, I thought getting pregnant again would help heal my pain. I thought I would be filled with an extreme amount of joy and want to share it with the world. But when that day came, there was a lack of emotion. Almost a disbelief. I had already set myself up for the worst. I became sad, because this baby is not you. I love this baby just as much as I love you, but knowing you won't be here to share this breaks my heart all over again. This journey will be full of emotional ups and downs, but I know that you are here with us and watching over him/her. You are a strong and amazing boy, being a Big Brother will not be hard for you. This baby will ...

I never thought I would be that person. That person that has to utter the words "my son died". Those words make me sick to my stomach, I get nervous, I want to cry. It brings on so many emotions at once. Those words don't come close to what my son actually did. He lived. He lived inside of me for 34 weeks 5 days. He touched the lives of so many people. He taught us that life is short and precious. He showed us what is important. His journey reaches out to other mothers who are facing the same journey with their baby boys and girls. That choosing to carry to term can be beautiful and memorable. Losing our children is sad enough, but you can make so many memories while you are still together. I never thought I would be that person. That person who became such a strong advocate for carrying to term despite poor or fatal diagnosis. I had different views before we became pregnant with Oliver. After our journey, so much has changed. If I can carry my son to give him a f...

Oliver - When I was around 15/16 years old, your Tio Ivan got very sick. Things changed drastically. We knew that he was handicapped. We knew that our family would never have 'normal'. But this - this was just not fair. I became very angry. I was so upset that my big brother had to go through this pain. That my big brother was in the hospital for months and that he was suffering. I became so angry with God. Why would He do this to us? Your Tio Ivan is a strong believer. He has seen God. He has had those experiences. He has a connection to God that many people don't have. So again, I ask him Why? I turned away from Him. I became angry. My faith was non-existent. Why should such a beautiful soul go through this pain? It took me years to find my way back. In a way, I never truly found my way back. That is, until you came about. When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was terrified. Truly terrified. I told your Daddy not to tell anyone, because I was convinced I would m...