Our Life with Oliver

We got home Friday evening. Took all of his pictures and put them on the computer and ordered them already. I can't stop looking at his face. I just wish we could have had more time, but in reality - all that time wouldn't be enough. I want him for a lifetime, I want to watch him grow up. I want to have fights about who is getting up in the middle of the night to feed him. I want to experience all of his milestones. I want him to be here with us every second of every day. Accepting what has happened is going to be a life long process. There will be no going back to normal for us. Now we will need to create a new normal - with Oliver's memories. Not a day will go by that we won't think about him, that we won't miss him and that is going to be something will we learn to work through. Just because Oliver is not here physically with us, does not mean we aren't parents. We are still his mom and dad, and we are so proud of him. He beat the odds of all of the doctors...

10-24-12 Monday night we watched my belly pop and jump as Oliver was going crazy in my belly.  Tuesday I only felt some pressure. I am trying not to worry - because last time - everything was fine. I am going to try and focus on feeling him move and see what happens throughout the day. Tuesday night - after I got home - I took the fetal doppler out and tried to find a heartbeat. The heartbeat was only around 110-120, not the normal 140 we find him at and I am having trouble finding the heartbeat. Today - I try to lay in bed and feel for him. I have tried the doppler again several times - and NOTHING. Call my parents and the doctor. My mom takes me to the doctor and we get in to the ultrasound room. This appointment confirms that his heartbeat has stopped and we have lost our battle. I go home and tell Andrew what has happened, and now it is time to go to the hospital. I felt so silly - because I knew this was going to happen - yet I was holding on to as much hope...

 10-2-12 Had a scare today.  Haven’t felt him move since last night. :/ Made an emergency appointment to check on him. He still has a heartbeat. Thank God. They said I won’t  be feeling him move like before. The kicks and moves wont be as strong and the way he is positioned he hits towards my back. Makes me sad since I want to feel him all the time and now I will have to work to feel him. I am glad he is still here, being a trooper about it. This was a horrible couple of hours. 10-19-12 Bi-weekly appointment yesterday. His heart is still beating strong <3. I am still measuring normal – so he is still growing. Despite him being behind in growth – he keeps growing so far. My appointments will now be weekly and they will do a sono next week to check his growth, see how much he weighs. 34 weeks now and she said if we get close to  38-39 weeks, she will talk about inducing. Kind of annoying/I don’t know what she meant by this: She said “well if he mak...

10-25-12 Oliver Felix Suarez  5:49 pm 3 lbs 15 oz 15.5 in The experience of giving birth to this handsome boy is absolutely unforgettable. He is perfect in every way. He has Andrew's eyebrows & toes, my nose, and between the two of us, a full head of hair. His hands are precious and I can just stare at him forever. We kept him with us for about a day, taking pictures of every piece of him. His face is so soft and amazing, I wish I could kiss him forever. He is just so precious. I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to miss anytime with him. I wanted to make sure he was "ok".  I didn't want to leave him there, that was the hardest part. He will always be our little boy, and our love for him will grow everyday. We will all be together again one day. I know that he is healthy and safe and pain free where he is, playing and having fun with all of the other children in Heaven. For now he will be our angel, looking down on us. 

8-25-12 When we first got Oliver's diagnosis, I decided against having a baby shower. I just didn't know that I would be able to make it through a time with friends and family who don't know what is going on and having everyone so excited, while inside I am crying and screaming and just a mess of emotions.  As some time went on and talking to other women in this situation, I decided to  go ahead with the shower. I wanted to still celebrate Oliver's life - despite however long it may be. He is still my son whether he is here with me or waiting for me in Heaven.  Our friends and family don't know what the situation is and we would rather it that way. Having to talk about it out loud is just something I can't handle doing. I had a bit of a breakdown the night before the shower and was second guessing my choice. After spending the day with friends and family and opening all of the wonderful things for Oliver, I felt a little better, seeing how much ev...

8-9-12 Today I went to the doctor – for what I thought would be a quick check for the heart beat and be on my way. The doctor appointments have been every two weeks to check on the heartbeat. This appointment turned into a 3 hour appointment – with 1 hour of waiting. Horrible. Then the doctor checked for his heart beat, super irregular and sporadic. I am still measuring fine. She said if we wait til birth to gather cells – they may not be viable and we may not be able to have any answers as to what is going on. So we talked about an amnio – again. I decided to do it and we did that about 15 minutes later. However – with this – they took all the fluid I had left. I had barely any as it was. I am a little sore in the belly, had a contraction after they were done. Decided to go to work anyway because I didn't want to sit at home and just think about everything all day. I just sit at work on the computer anyway, so the doctor said it wouldn't be a risk to go. I wish...

9-05-12 Had an appointment today. Did an ultrasound – got to see him move around. He is only measuring about 2 weeks behind. I was at about a 7 for fluid. The sonographer was baffled at where the fluid is going because she doesn't see any hydrops or anything. They did find some fluid around the heart today. They said that will make the heart work harder. Right now there is a strong heart beat. They can still see the cysts on the kidneys – small ones. And the dandy walker is still there. When I saw the doctor – he said that if it looked like there was anything we could do, we would deliver now but with all of the abnormalities, there just isn’t anything that can be done. I am 28 weeks now. I asked about being induced at 36 weeks if I am still pregnant. He said that shouldn’t be a problem if that’ what we want to do. He again encouraged not to do a c-section – I haven’t decided whether or not that wll be okay. He doesn't think I will make it to 36 weeks, but I ha...

7-16-12 We went for the 20 week ultrasound. They could barely see him because the fluid was so low. They could not find his kidneys or balder – which means they have not been developing. They said there is no way to fix this and that without fluid he won’t make it. His heart is still beating and I can still feel him kicking. I will see a different specialist this week to set up the plans for delivery. I went to bed last night hoping I would wake up and this be a dream. 7-20-12 Saw an another specialist today.  He said that the kidneys are there and they are just enlarged – still no bladder. Either it is empty or the kidneys are just not working properly. With the very low fluid it was very hard to see everything still. His heart is still beating and is about 2 weeks behind in growth. They are mostly concerned about the kidneys- but give a 20-30 % chance of survival. We have decided to hold on to him as long as we can and as long as he makes it. I am so torn but I can’t do ...

6-15-12 Gender appointment - It's A Boy! - A rather quick sono - with our parents there also. The sonographer said he was measuring a few days behind - didn't raise much concern. The NT/CH was gone - the thickness of the back of his neck.  6-19-12 Went to see the specialist again today. After the Level 2 ultrasound is complete - the doctor comes in and says that it is still early in the pregnancy to get a great scan. I ask him - why did you have me come in then - being that I just saw my regular OBGYN 4 days ago. He says to me "To check to see if   it   was still alive". At this point I tell him that I will not be coming back to this office and we will still not be doing any sort of tests or terminating. - I am so irritated and shocked by the words of this ignorant man. Being a specialist in High-Risk pregnancies - he should be more supportive and sensitive to his patients - not the jerk that calls someones child - in the womb or not - an IT.

We were diagnosed with the large Nuchal fold or CH, last week. It has measured at 8mm. The specialist we went to see immediately encourages to terminate – but not giving any definite answers, just bombarding with a handful of percentages that may or may not be the case. I have been doing a lot of research and see that these things can correct themselves and are not always as horrible as they make them sound.  He suggested a CVS or an amnio – we decided against both – as these can cause a miscarriage. Having miscarried before we do not want to risk a miscarriage, we are able to handle a special needs child – whatever the case may be.