July & The Decision

7-16-12
We went for the 20 week ultrasound. They could barely see him because the fluid was so low. They could not find his kidneys or balder – which means they have not been developing. They said there is no way to fix this and that without fluid he won’t make it. His heart is still beating and I can still feel him kicking. I will see a different specialist this week to set up the plans for delivery. I went to bed last night hoping I would wake up and this be a dream.

7-20-12
Saw an another specialist today.  He said that the kidneys are there and they are just enlarged – still no bladder. Either it is empty or the kidneys are just not working properly. With the very low fluid it was very hard to see everything still. His heart is still beating and is about 2 weeks behind in growth. They are mostly concerned about the kidneys- but give a 20-30 % chance of survival. We have decided to hold on to him as long as we can and as long as he makes it. I am so torn but I can’t do anything that would leave me with a what if at the end. He is still our son, and we just can't make a decision to end his life, it is in God's hands and we have to protect our child while we can. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Being Home - 10/26

Image
We got home Friday evening. Took all of his pictures and put them on the computer and ordered them already. I can't stop looking at his face. I just wish we could have had more time, but in reality - all that time wouldn't be enough. I want him for a lifetime, I want to watch him grow up. I want to have fights about who is getting up in the middle of the night to feed him. I want to experience all of his milestones. I want him to be here with us every second of every day. Accepting what has happened is going to be a life long process. There will be no going back to normal for us. Now we will need to create a new normal - with Oliver's memories. Not a day will go by that we won't think about him, that we won't miss him and that is going to be something will we learn to work through. Just because Oliver is not here physically with us, does not mean we aren't parents. We are still his mom and dad, and we are so proud of him. He beat the odds of all of the doctors...
Read more

The Autopsy Results

Image
Today has been 2 weeks since we said hello & goodbye. I had a doctors appointment with the OBGYN, and if going to that office wasn't annoying enough without this tragedy - they really had to top it off today. I have been there 20 times during my pregnancy and today I am greeted by a completely different nurse - who does not have my file pulled - and asks me why I am at the office today, then how many pregnancies I have had. I have to go through the heartbreak of saying I lost a baby (miscarriage) 6 years ago, and my son was stillborn 2 weeks ago. Of course - I made it all morning without crying and one question has put me in tears in front of 1 too many people. She apologizes and I respond with the broken record response - "Thank you, it's not your fault." I go to the second waiting room - and I see the nurses I am used to - who know what has been happening and that Oliver is gone. I show them pictures and give them birth announcements. It was the first time tha...
Read more

If it meant I could hold him again...

Image
The first and last picture I have of our son. That day, I knew our journey had ended. I knew in my gut that it was time for us to say goodbye. We were finally going to be able to see what this little boy looked like. All of the ultrasounds were so vague, just enough to see movements. The 3D ultrasound wasn't even an option, being that we had no amniotic fluid. One part of me felt cheated, that I could see everyone else have these and I wouldn't be able to. The other part felt excited, that we were going to have a complete surprise and not have any ultrasound pictures to compare him to. Since we couldn't have the 3D with Oliver, we will follow that with our future children. Why? Because, if we do this with the next child, I will forever have a bitter taste that I did it for one child, but not the other. I want to try and have the same keepsakes for each child. I have such a fear that I will not be able to keep his memory alive, that I won't be able to include him ...
Read more