Our Life with Oliver

It is amazing how so many things can change in such a small amount of time. We found out we were pregnant on a Thursday, went to the doctor and heard your heartbeat a week later. Normally, they make you wait, but because I miscarried a sibling of yours years prior they wanted to check me out right away. About 2 weeks later, your Dad and I went to another appointment and were told that everything looked great. You were about 10 weeks along at that point. They asked if we wanted the genetic testing at 12 weeks and we declined because we thought that nothing could go wrong. I changed my mind a week later because I wanted more pictures of you in my belly and I made the appointment. It didn't take but a second for the sonographer to see something was wrong. This was supposed to be a fun ultrasound appointment to get more pictures. My heart instantly broke, my greatest fear came true, that at some point you wouldn't be with us for as long as we wanted you to. From that point on we pr...

Christmas will be 8 & 1/2 weeks since we had our hello/goodbye with our handsome baby boy I wish for... Strength, Health & Love A long lasting & strong marriage Guidance on this journey of grief & loss Health for my family old & new The best for all my friends I wish that no other mother will have to go through this heartache I wish that no other mother will have to say goodbye to their baby, before the even have the chance to say hello I wish that no other mother will have to go through this painful journey I wish to see my son again.  {I love you Oliver, Merry Christmas}

Thursday was the genetics appointment. I was hoping that after this appointment there would be some type of closure, that there would be an answer as to why I had to lose my son. Clearly, this was not the case. The purpose of this referral from my doctor, was to confirm that this was not a genetic syndrome, that what has happened to Oliver was a "fluke", for lack of a better term, that the chances of this happening again would be close to none. But then again, it should have never happened in the first place. Oliver should be here, he should be 7 weeks and 2 days old. The appointment was about 30-40 minutes long, with the same things being said over and over again. There was no answer, no closure, nothing. It could be a chromosomal syndrome, that was not discovered when they tested his chromosomes from the amnio. Something smaller within the individual chromosomes themselves, even though he had a normal number of chromosomes. It could be a gene that both Andrew and I...

Oliver was with me for 34 weeks and 5 days. I felt him move, I listened to his heartbeat, I watched him on the sonograms, and I held him in my arms. He may not be here with us anymore but he is always with us in our hearts and souls. I will forever be his mother. I still wake up in the middle of the night expecting to hear a baby crying, needing me. I carry the feeling that I am forgetting something all day. His room is still set up. He has clothes in his closet. His urn is in our bedroom. The blanket and pillow he had in the hospital stays in the bed between our pillows. I say good morning and good night to him with a kiss every day. I talk to him whenever I can. I tell him how much I love him. He may not be here - but I am a mother - his mother. We have a relationship that no one can take away. We have a special bond, a bond only a mother and child share. When a child dies, that doesn't take away that bond, it doesn't mean you are no longer a mother, it means you are now the ...

Today should have been the day we prepared to meet our precious son, but that day has already passed. We have been looking forward to this day since we found out we were pregnant with Oliver & wanted to keep this day special. We have decided to say Our I Do's  on this day because of our beautiful son. It has been 5 weeks and 1 day. Yet, it feels like just yesterday that we had our hello/goodbye. A tiny, beautiful, and amazing baby boy was with us in the womb for 34 weeks & 5 days, in our arms for only a day, and forever in our hearts. He was with us for such a short time - but has made an impact that will last a lifetime. { We love you Oliver }

Today marks 4 weeks that we had our hello/goodbye with Oliver. We have brought his urn today to my mothers house to be with us on Thanksgiving. Today is the day we say what we are thankful for. We are thankful for being able to wake up this morning and listen to Oliver's heartbeat we recorded when he was still in my belly. We are thankful for the many pictures we have of him to look at every morning and every night. We are thankful for this type of love that has been brought into our lives. We are thankful for the blessing to be parents to our handsome son. We miss our son more than words could ever express. As thankful as we are to have had 34 weeks and 5 days with Oliver in the womb - and an entire day to hold him after he was born asleep- doesn't make this day any easier. Our hearts are broken - and will remain broken until we see our son again. We love you Oliver. 

You were in my dreams last night, and every night since I learned of being pregnant with you. Last night was so vivid and felt so real. I was holding you again. I didn't want to let you go. I saw your eyes, the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. I have been having a hard time at night going to sleep, knowing that the next morning I would begin another day without you. I love seeing you in my dreams. Waking up from them - is what hurts the most. I wake up with as much heartbreak as the day I left the hospital - without you. I wake your Dad up - because I wake up crying and telling him how much I miss you and how much I want to hold you again. Despite this journey of ours as a family - we would do it again in a heartbeat to be able to feel you in my belly and hold you again. We would do it a million times, that's how much we love you and that will never change. Our love continues to grow for you Oliver, each and every day. I will see you in my dreams my love... Unt...