Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Dear Oliver

This letter was written to Oliver on April 14, 2016. 
While I was waiting for our Opal Maize to make her arrival. 

Dear Oliver 

I know it's been a while since I have written. I know we talk everyday - it's just different when I sit down to write you a note. 

I miss you so much. I love looking at your face. You're so handsome and adorable and my heart just longs for you to be in my arms. I miss you so much. I don't even have to close my eyes to see your face. Your always in vision. 

As your sisters birth approaches us - I can't help but think of the day you were born. I miss you so much. I can vividly remember the pain - going home without you. That was the worst feeling I have ever felt. But if taking that feeling away meant not being your mom - I wouldn't take that option. 

You are three and a half years old. I can just picture how much of a strong little man you are. I know you are taking care of me, papi, your sisters and Jaxin. You are such a miracle and blessing. I thank God for you everyday. 

I just want to hold you one more time and never let you go. I look at Olive and see your face. 

I'm a little anxious to see what Opal looks like. I really want her to have more of your features. I know she will be beautiful no matter what. I loved your curly black hair. So handsome and beautiful on you. And your little nose. Your face was so precious and soft. Kissing you was the most precious gift. I am so glad that I was able to hold you and love on you. I just wish I had more time. 

I'm scared. The love I have for all of you is so different - but the amount is the same. I felt this way before Olive was born. And now I'm feeling the same waiting for Opal. I know my heart will be able to increase the amount of love that I have for all of you - but it's still intimidating having that feeling of splitting my heart one more time. It shouldn't be splitting - just growing. 

You are my everything. All 4 of you are. You all give me such purpose in life. Such meaning. 

YOU made me a mother. YOU gave me the opportunity to begin the motherhood journey. YOU made us a family. I just want you home with me so badly. But I know you are in a better place - with no pain - and no sorrows. Just love and happiness. You took a piece of me with you. And a piece of you stayed with me. We are forever connected my sweet boy. I love you so much. I cannot wait for the day that I am greeted with you in my arms. The day that we are all together as one. 

Good night my sweet baby angel. My love for you only increases daily. That will never change. 

I hate saying good bye in these letters. I love talking to you. I love having moments with you. I love you. Forever. And always. I love you. 

Love Mommy. 

I love you so much. More than I could ever describe in words. I could tell you I love you all day and it would never be enough. My love for you will always be a strong and unbreakable force. 

Your sisters and Jaxin will always know you. Always hear your name. Always know of their brother in Heaven. Always. They will love you forever.