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October 2017

6 weeks after I gave birth to Oliver, I went back to work. Since Oliver had passed away at birth, it was 6 weeks instead of 12. When I first found that out, I was upset. When those 6 weeks had passed, I felt like it was time for me to go back to work. I knew staying home wasn't going to bring him back - and it was time to adjust to my new normal.

Going back to work was rough. I arrived back the first day and my stomach was in knots as soon as I got inside the building. I went to the bathroom and just cried. 
Today, I had that same feeling. I was feeling angry, upset, stressed. And then it all hit me. As soon as I put my things down at my desk, I had to rush to the bathroom and just sobbed. My body aches for my Oliver. 
The month of October will never be the same for me. I have not been feeling myself for the past few days - and maybe even the past few weeks - knowing that this month was coming up. October 25 - my baby boy - my first born - will turn 5 years old. It has been 5 year…

4th Trimester Bodies

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I have been following the 4th Trimester Project by Photographer Ashlee Wells for quite some time. I love her mission and her message for not just women & mothers - but for everyone who comes across her pages. When I saw that she was coming to Tampa - I knew I had to jump at this opportunity. 

Oliver was my first [still] born son. He made me a mother. I still have feelings of guilt upon my body - but I am working on that. By putting myself out there - sharing not only Oliver's story - but OUR story - is what is helping me on this path of healing.

Oliver was still born at 34 weeks and 5 days. At 12 weeks we learned of his fatal illness. Though I am hard on my body for Oliver not being here today - I need to remind myself daily - that my body showed Oliver a safe place here on Earth - with nothing but pure love.

Oliver was a baby boy - that continued to surprise the doctors at each appointment. Making it 34 weeks and 5 days - was beyond what anyone expected. We did that as a team. M…

Dear Oliver

This letter was written to Oliver on April 14, 2016.  While I was waiting for our Opal Maize to make her arrival. 

Dear Oliver 
I know it's been a while since I have written. I know we talk everyday - it's just different when I sit down to write you a note. 
I miss you so much. I love looking at your face. You're so handsome and adorable and my heart just longs for you to be in my arms. I miss you so much. I don't even have to close my eyes to see your face. Your always in vision. 
As your sisters birth approaches us - I can't help but think of the day you were born. I miss you so much. I can vividly remember the pain - going home without you. That was the worst feeling I have ever felt. But if taking that feeling away meant not being your mom - I wouldn't take that option. 
You are three and a half years old. I can just picture how much of a strong little man you are. I know you are taking care of me, papi, your sisters and Jaxin. You are such a miracle and blessi…

He should be here.

He should be here.

He should be here with me.
He should be here with us.

He should be here.

He should be here getting ready to start VPK
He should be here hitting milestones.
He should be here throwing tantrums.

He should be here.

He should be here growing up with his sisters.
He should be here growing up with his cousins.
He should be here growing with us as a family.

He should be here.

He should be here testing my patience.
He should be here causing chaos.
He should be here fighting with me.

He should be here.

He should be here going to sleep with me.
He should be here having me love him.
He should be here with me - as son and mama.

He should be here.

Oliver should be here with me. He should be here.

He's not here. We had such a short time together. And today it's hard for me to understand why he isn't here with me now. It's days like today that make me question everything in my life. It's days like today that I can't see clearly. It days like today that my …

We are a non-traditional "blended family"

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{guest piece for www.laitdelavie.com}
[blend·ed fam·i·ly] noun
NORTH AMERICAN a family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships
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Traditionally, blended families consist of his, hers, and ours. We are a non-traditional blended family. As time goes on - we are becoming the norm - however - it is a mouthful to explain to those who ask about our dynamic. Especially - now that Jaxin has started Kindergarten. I've drawn a "non-traditional" family tree. The kids are listed first - because they are the priority and who really matter in this world of ours. 


Now the fun part - the explanation.
Jaxin was the first born out of this wild group. He was born in 2011 - to Devin & Jayce. Jayce is my little brother. A high school romance created this handsome little man - who has brought so much love and light into our home and heart. Oliver came next -- my son - with my husband (…

That Time of Year Again

We are winding down into Holiday time as the end of the year approaches.

Ever since we had Oliver, the holidays have such a different level of anxiety for me.

Holiday pictures, events, gatherings - I strive to make sure all of my children feel special. I want to make sure that we can look back as a family and know that everyone felt involved.  Easier said than done. So much time gets away with us as these days fly by. It is as equally exhausting as it is amazing.

At first, with just Oliver & Jaxin, it wasn't that difficult as a task to meet. Now, we have Oliver, Jaxin, Olive and Opal.

[side note: we wanted one child. 
we all see how that played out :) ]
I want my kids to feel my love - but to not have one feel less than the other. I worry that I try to hard to include Oliver -- that I almost let my grief over shadow the happiness of the holiday time. I try to make sure Olive and Jaxin feel equal with time and attention -- which often times ends up as scolding more (as 2.5 & …

October 24, 2012

October 25,2012 - we said Hello & Goodbye to our first born son. And while that day is one of the most meaningful days of my life - October 24 is just as powerful. 
October 24, 2012 - I learned how strong of a bond Oliver and I had. I knew his routine. I knew his touch in my womb. I knew his heartbeat. So when I went to bed the night of the 23rd - I knew that October 24 may be a very scary day. 
That morning I woke up - Andrew was already out of the house. I didn't go to work because I knew I would need to call the doctor. 
I had a soda the night before in hopes to get him moving. His heart rate was slowing down when I checked before I went to sleep. 
I got my Doppler and checked for his heart rate. Nothing. 
Silently freaking the hell out. 
I called my mom. No answer. She was getting her hair done. I called the salon. Told her it was time. I went to my parents to wait for my mom to go to the doctor with me. I checked for his heart rate again. Nothing. 
Went to the doctor. And confir…