Our Life with Oliver

The month of November has been a very busy month for us. We were adjusting to Oliver being a 2 year old in Heaven, Olive becoming a very fast crawler and wanting to stand up on everything and taking her first steps, my sister moving back home, planning her wedding, and getting ready for all of Olive's first holidays, and Jaxin finally understanding and practicing his Christmas list. In our crazy month and life, full of love and beautiful chaos, when we got a positive pregnancy test, we were almost in disbelief. This was unplanned, shocking, but happy and exciting moment. 6 tests later and finally it set in. We were pregnant and the planning began. Baby Suarez # 3 would be on there way and our lives were changing again. The normal nerves set in. This would be my 4th pregnancy. Miscarriage, Oliver (stillborn), Olive (our Rainbow), and this new baby. I knew that there were the obvious risks, but was trying to stay as positive as possible. We made it through Thanksgiving without

Happy 2nd Birthday Oliver We send love to you and all of your friends in Heaven Celebrating Oliver's birthday was such a success. I am so very blessed to have such beautiful family and friends in Oliver's life. It still amazes me that Oliver, who never experienced life on this earth, can and is impacting so many people's lives. I am so proud of my baby boy. He is only 2 years old, but has accomplished so much. The story of his journey has reached far beyond what we could have imagined. He has made me stronger, as a woman, daughter, sister, aunt, wife and mother. He changed my world, and though the tears do come and my heart does hurt, I can still smile and enjoy my son. I am still able to lift his memory up, and share how much a positive impact he has had on me.  I am so thankful for everyone that came to help us celebrate. All of those balloons represent a person in Heaven that we are missing. For the babies that left too soon, for the babies we never got to m

The month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month & Oliver's birthday month. On Facebook today, scrolling through all of the different posts of those supporting those who have lost, I cam across a comment. It has since been deleted, but was along the lines of Isn't it bad enough that they lost their babies,  do they need a whole month to dwell and wallow in pain. Comments like this prove why we need to spread awareness. The comments after that were flooded with protective mama's, those who have lost, those who haven't, those who have friends who have lost. It was so empowering to see all of these women support each other.  Oliver is no longer here on earth with me. I can't celebrate his life every morning in the same way I do with his beautiful little sister Olive. Every morning she wakes up, every second she is in my arms, with every picture I post of her, I celebrate her life. With every scream his big cousin Jaxin makes, every

It has almost been 2 years that Oliver has been gone. I remember that day so vividly. I can replay it moment by moment. I knew he had passed. I am not sure how I kept so calm. I didn't scream. I didn't throw a fit. I was definitely frantic. I remember the nurse doing the sonogram, looking for Oliver's hearbeat. She said there's a heartbeat I see, but its yours. My heart was pounding. I didn't need her to tell me that he was gone. I am his mother, I knew it. ... In the waiting room before this, I let the receptionist know that someone's car lights were on,a Honda. and if she knew who it was, to let them know. Mind you, I never see anyone I know in this office, EVER. So the day that I am there - to confirm the worst, I see a high school friend. Her brother was a close friend of mine and to many of my friends - [Chris Lembo "Lil C", may he rest in peace]. His sister, Erica, happened to be in the office that day, and coincidentally has a Honda. It was

There is a part of me that feels very guilty for the pain we have endured from losing Oliver. I was the one who voiced how badly I wanted to have a baby. As soon as we found out we were pregnant, I told Andrew not to say anything because I would have a high chance of miscarriage. I never got my hopes up. I was able to be happy for about 3 weeks until we got the first bad scan. I have been angry at myself for the pain my husband has experienced, his heartache and loss. I have been angry at my body for failing me in keeping my son healthy and safe. I have harbored a lot of guilt, anger and blame in myself. I have wanted to find a way for me to work through this, to find some sort of peace. I had heard a lot of people talk about yoga in passing. I had humored the idea back and forth. I had crossed paths with a young woman back in our high school years and stumbled upon her Facebook and Instagram page. She was clearly into Yoga and had a lot to say about it. As I followed and r

My birthday has come - now 26 years young. For as long as I can remember I have had a goal that I wanted to have kids by the time I was 25. I am 26 years old, have a great job, am married and have TWO beautiful kids. I am also blessed with my Godson, who I get to wake up to everyday. We tend to plan everything out in life, at least people of my personality type. I set goals, and I aim to meet them. When I want something, I definitely set out to do it. My husband (at the time boyfriend) and I talked about getting pregnant, starting a family. I knew that I wanted to be a mother for most of my short life at that point. I wanted a baby to love and to hold and to watch grow up into an amazing being. That's what I wanted. I had shed many tears about this. Losing a baby at 17 years old, may have been a blessing in disguise, as I was too young to start that journey and not in a healthy relationship or environment to raise a baby. However, that doesn't mean the pain ever left. {If a

Dear Oliver, Tonight I am laying in bed with Olive on my left and Jaxin on my right. I watch them breathe. I stare. I soak in the love I have surrounding me. Yet I still feel empty. I never got to watch you breathe. Part of me feels so robbed, yet so blessed. I did get to stare at you. At your beautiful face, we did lay with each other the one night we had together. As I say that,   the one night,   I had to think, was it really just one night? I feel like we had so much time together, yet none at all. How can I feel so full and empty at the same time. I miss you. I often imagine what you would look like and how you would be acting now. How you would be interacting with your baby sister. How Jaxin would be teaching you how to play games. How we would be watching so many new milestones for you. This month you would be 20 months. I still talk about you as if you are here, alive and well. For me, you are. You are with me everywhere I go. This pain I feel, it feels so raw. As if I jus

This year marks my second Mother's Day. I am not sure how I feel. A part of me feels numb. I am still in awe that we have been blessed with Olive and I am still in shock that Oliver is gone. My heart is in so many pieces. It is so full yet holds a void. I am so thankful that I was chosen to be their mother. My life is so full because of them. My short time with Oliver made me a mother and I am forever grateful. Shortly after Oliver left, my handsome Godson came to live with me. He was such a healing for my heart, yet I still felt empty. Jaxin is such a blessing and I am so honored to be in his life. My house is full of love and laughter, but when all is still, that is my time with Oliver. When I get to day dream about what he would be wearing, eating, watching, playing. Not a day goes by that I don't sit and imagine where he would be when we are all together. This Mother's Day, I pray for all of the mamas in this world that have to look into the sky and say "I lo

I have been thinking about this for quite some time. I had a dentist appointment November 18, 2013. The assistant, obviously, noticed I was pregnant. Which brings the normal questions of girl or boy, when are you due, first child? Throughout this short conversation, Oliver was talked about, but we weren't at a point for me to mention he was stillborn, nor did I want to that day. {As some days I just want to be acknowledged for having two beautiful children.} Much of this conversation is a normal one of the common inquiries related to a pregnant woman, but she asked "Well it was a good experience right?".This question was referring to the fact that I stated I was just very tired as I had given birth to my son 6 months before this pregnancy began. I answered yes, but not because I meant it, but because I was caught off guard. Well, it was a good experience right? I have had time to think and think about this. For some reason this question has sat heavy on my heart. I

[a bow or arc of prismatic colors appearing in the heavens opposite the sun  and caused by the refraction and reflection of the sun's rays in drops of rain.] Our rainbow arrived February 5 2014. Weighing 6 pounds 15 ounces & measuring 19 inches long. Her name is Olive Juanita. We have longed for this baby girl to arrive long before she was even conceived. We were looking for a rainbow after our storm. For a light to come out of our darkness. We were blessed with the beginning of this gift about 6 months after Oliver went home. I was 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant when we went in to be induced with our little girl. A much anticipated wait. Although Olive was healthy during the entire pregnancy, doesn't mean this was an easy pregnancy journey. It seemed to at times prove to be more challenging than our 34 week and 5 day journey with Oliver. With Oliver we knew what to expect - we had learned, accepted and prayed. With Olive - it was as if I carried a dark cloud above u

Dear Oliver, I wanted to write to you the day your sister was born. I have been so overwhelmed with mourning your passing and praising your sisters arrival. My emotions are all over the place. Your baby sister has been with us for one week now and you have been with us the entire time. I love telling her about her brother. She is so blessed to have you in her life. Her birth was a great experience and I know that is because of you. You were my focal point. Every contraction I thought of you. I thought of how beautiful you are, how brave and strong you were during our journey together. You were my strength during that time. And now you are my strength now more than ever. From the moment she was laid down on my chest my heart has somehow been able to feel broken yet so full at the same time. As I look at her and gaze into her beautiful eyes I can't help but dream of you being here with us.  I know you are in a perfect place - where you are healthy and happy. I just want to brin

Today we are 34 weeks & 5 days pregnant with Olive Juanita. She is moving around like a wild little girl and today I appreciate that more than ever. 34 weeks & 5 days was how long I was able to carry Oliver, before it was time for him to go home. He blessed me with that time, and I am forever thankful to Him for giving me that time to bond with my beautiful son. It is still such a loud memory in my head, when the perinatologist told me that he wouldn't make it passed 16 weeks. When he actually referred to my son as "it" . His exact words when I asked why I came in again so early after my last appointment were "to see if it was alive."  Before I became pregnant, that word didn't affect me. Because I didn't realize how it affected the parents. Hearing someone refer to my child as an "it"  was so hurtful. As that appointment ended, I let that doctor know, I would not be returning to his office. I would so much like to let him know th