Angel Baby, Earth Mama

This year marks my second Mother's Day. I am not sure how I feel. A part of me feels numb. I am still in awe that we have been blessed with Olive and I am still in shock that Oliver is gone. My heart is in so many pieces. It is so full yet holds a void.

I am so thankful that I was chosen to be their mother. My life is so full because of them. My short time with Oliver made me a mother and I am forever grateful. Shortly after Oliver left, my handsome Godson came to live with me. He was such a healing for my heart, yet I still felt empty. Jaxin is such a blessing and I am so honored to be in his life. My house is full of love and laughter, but when all is still, that is my time with Oliver. When I get to day dream about what he would be wearing, eating, watching, playing. Not a day goes by that I don't sit and imagine where he would be when we are all together.

This Mother's Day, I pray for all of the mamas in this world that have to look into the sky and say "I love you" to their angel babies. I pray that they have strength and healing. I pray that they know their babies are still with them every second of every day. I pray that they know tears aren't always sad, that even with an angel baby, tears of joy do exist.

I love you Oliver, you made me the mother I am today. You molded me into the mother I need to be for Olive and the Godmother I am for Jaxin. I know you are with me everyday. You are my strength.

The picture below is a gift from Oliver. I didn't realize it until now. I have so longed to hold both my babies in my arms. {I took this picture to show someone that Olive was wearing the outfit gifted to her. Positioned totally random and a front facing phone pic.}



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

About Time

Image
This past weekend, myself and 7 strong, beautiful mamas all met for the first time. Except, we already knew each other on such a deep level. I can only speak for myself, but it didn't feel like meeting for the first time. The hugs we greeted each other with - were so full of emotion and love.   We have been part of each others live for so long - over 5 years - that it was about time   we made this happen. We have supported one another in the births and deaths of our children. We have confided in each other about the ups and downs we all experience in life. Our babies brought us together, but we connected on so much more.  Ben, Addison, Grace, Oliver, Sloane, Penny, Evan, Ella Those beautiful 8 babies changed our lives. Never did we expect that we would become pregnant, just to find out that we would be provided a fatal diagnosis. Yet, that's what happened. With the online forums that exist, we were all able to find each other pretty quickly after receiving a diagnosis
Read more

This is not what I pictured

Image
____________________________________________________________________ This is not the way I imagined taking photos with my baby boy. Holding an urn, looking down, trying to keep it together for a photo. This is not what I imagined what my life would be when I wanted to start a family. Yet, here I am. Living my life with part of my heart in Heaven and part of it here. I haven't written in awhile. When I try to write I feel this weight on my chest. I miss my son. I don't understand why his life was cut short. I don't know why I wasn't able to see the color of his eyes or hear him cry. It is a daily struggle with reminding myself that it is not for me to understand. I still struggle with thinking I could have done something differently, thinking that I had any control. This feeling, this heaviness has kept me from writing as much. This feeling, this heaviness is why I started writing in the first place. Talking about Oliver's journey, the words weren't easy to s
Read more

Dear Oliver

Dear Oliver, It has been awhile since I have written to you. I have so many emotions about that. I think about you every second of every day. I talk about you every day. I wake up thinking about you, I go to bed thinking about you. None of that has changed. __________________________________________________________________________ They say there are five stages of grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance For your first 5 years plus our pregnancy - I bounced between the first three stages. How could this have happened? Why did this happen? I prayed for you -- what did I do to deserve this? I was thankful and grateful for you - despite the fact that we are not physically together. I would dream that you were still alive, here - with me, just to wake up without you. I would cry - but also smile thinking of how beautiful you are. You made me a mother - you made us a family.  The fourth stage - depression - that hit this past year. Har
Read more