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Showing posts from 2013

He made me a mother...

When a child dies, the mother inside does not.  In fact, her instincts have just greatly intensified. She is now more than ever before, an advocate for her child. 34 weeks and 5 days.  That is how long I had with my son.  In that short amount of time, I had to make more life changing and heart wrenching decisions for my child than most of those have to do in a lifetime with theirs. In that short amount of time, my husband and I had to meet with several doctors, making decisions on ending his life, or having hope and letting God and our son make that decision. In that short amount of time, we had to discuss the health plan if our son would have lived outside of the womb, comfort care or life saving measures. In that short amount of time, I was dealing with a mix of excitement for our first born son and mourning the loss of our first born son. In that short amount of time, my husband and I had to decide on the funeral home to cremate our beautiful son. In that short amount o

Our First Wedding Anniversary

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We were married 11.30.12 We chose this date, because this was Oliver's due date. Marriage wasn't something we were planning. Our son had another plan. I could not have a better person to be my partner on this journey God has given us. He is an amazing husband and even better father. When we found out that Oliver may not be with us as long as we had hoped for we decided we would get married. No engagement and no announcement. We sat on the couch and decided that his due date would be the most meaningful day. Another way to celebrate our son and to show him appreciation for making us a family . On this day I am filled with great emotion. I met my husband 2.6.11 and never imagined that we would have had a beautiful son and a precious daughter on the way less than three years later. I thought meeting him was by chance, but after having our son, I know now nothing is by chance. God had a plan for us and he put our wonderful friends as tools in that introduction. I feel so bless

As if he was still here..

Being pregnant with your Rainbow (a healthy baby after a loss baby), is an emotional roller coaster, on top of the already hormonal battle of pregnancy. You are feeling every single emotion at once and at times can feel guilty for all of these feelings. It is a normal question for any pregnant woman to be asked - is this baby number one, or how many other children do you have. Sometimes I answer that Olive is my second and tell the person about how Oliver is no longer here and all that he has accomplished in my life and others. Which then breaks my heart and theirs . This past week I was asked these questions by two different people. I just couldn't bring myself to break someone else's heart and I wanted to feel "normal". So I said that this is my second and my little boy just turned one. Went into the conversation that I am lucky to have a boy and a girl so close in age. I simply agreed and kept a smile on my face. For those few moments I got to feel as if he was sti

Happy 1st Birthday {10.25.13}

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Dear Oliver, Happy 1st Birthday. I am in shock that it has been a year since I got to see your beautiful face and hold your precious little body. You were 3lbs,15 oz, 15.5 inches long and born at 5:49pm. We spent 34 weeks and 5 days together. In that short time, our bond became so strong. I know everything about you and I know that you are still with me. I know that you are a strong, brave, beautiful and amazing little boy. Strong and brave because you beat the odds. Because you didn't accept that timeline the doctors had set, because you stayed with me for as long as you could hold out for. Beautiful and amazing because you changed my life and changed my heart. You have made me a better person, a better mother, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend. You have touched the lives of so many other people. I am so proud of all you have accomplished in your short life here on Earth. I know the celebration in Heaven is going to be wonderful. I wish that I could be with you,

No Regrets

I was given the option to medically terminate, to abort - and I considered that option. I chose that option. I sat on that for a week. I thank God everyday - that I reconsidered and plan to carry my son for as long as he would let me. As I considered to terminate my pregnancy I asked if I would be able to hold Oliver after and how the process would go. As I learned that a medicine would need to be injected to stop his heart - that idea was just something I couldn't go through with. He would have been so tiny at 20 weeks and even holding him then, I wouldn't have been able to truly see my son. How could I do that to my baby? I sat on this for a week. For one week I laid on the couch and felt my baby move and contemplated what I would do. What would be best for me? my baby? my family?  The only question that needed to be answered - As his mother - what is best for my son? I thank God that I was informed that I could carry him to term. That I was contacted to go over this

Bittersweet

There was only one ultrasound that I was able to enjoy with Oliver - and that was the gender ultrasound. We found out we were having a precious baby boy! All of the others - were sad and upsetting with more bad news and information on what health issues Oliver had. The 20 week anatomy scan was the worst to come. Everything was confirmed and the "waiting game" began. Yet still beating the odds and making it to 35 weeks. I was blessed with such a fighter and amazing little boy. With the journey we had with Oliver - has made every ultrasound with Olive a scare for me. I have gone in very anxious and cautious. We have been blessed to know that Olive has passed all of the tests and is a very healthy baby girl. Measuring a week ahead and already making her personality known. The 20 week scan - was beautiful. Her kidneys were perfect and we were able to see her bladder - which we were not able to see with her brother. Her heart and brain are in perfect order. We have been truly

Those last few days..

Every single day since I have met my beautiful baby boy - I have replayed the last few days I got to spend with him. I vividly remember sitting at work, drinking a soda, trying to get him moving. I remember slowly and silently starting to panic. I went to my moms as usual after work, had another soda, then went home. Did the doppler at home and noticed his heartbeat wasn't as high as normal. I didn't mention any of my worries to my husband, I wanted to give it some more time before I put worry in everyone else. I went to sleep that night and noticed I didn't feel his midnight dance party. That morning I didn't go to work. I waited for Andrew to leave the house, then I took the doppler out. Nothing. No heartbeat. I called my mom's cell. No answer (and naturally I called several times, as one does when someone doesn't answer their first call). I called my parents house and talked to my dad. He offered to come pick me up, but I said I would just drive over. I calle

Dear Oliver

Dear Oliver - Today we had the NT scan for your little brother/sister and everything looks beautiful. This is the scan where I found out that you were sick. I was so devastated. I had fallen madly in love with you already - and they were already telling me you would be leaving me sooner than I was expecting. When we had to say goodbye to you, I thought getting pregnant again would help heal my pain. I thought I would be filled with an extreme amount of joy and want to share it with the world. But when that day came, there was a lack of emotion. Almost a disbelief. I had already set myself up for the worst. I became sad, because this baby is not you. I love this baby just as much as I love you, but knowing you won't be here to share this breaks my heart all over again. This journey will be full of emotional ups and downs, but I know that you are here with us and watching over him/her. You are a strong and amazing boy, being a Big Brother will not be hard for you. This baby will

I never thought I would be that person...

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I never thought I would be that person. That person that has to utter the words "my son died". Those words make me sick to my stomach, I get nervous, I want to cry. It brings on so many emotions at once. Those words don't come close to what my son actually did. He lived. He lived inside of me for 34 weeks 5 days. He touched the lives of so many people. He taught us that life is short and precious. He showed us what is important. His journey reaches out to other mothers who are facing the same journey with their baby boys and girls. That choosing to carry to term can be beautiful and memorable. Losing our children is sad enough, but you can make so many memories while you are still together. I never thought I would be that person. That person who became such a strong advocate for carrying to term despite poor or fatal diagnosis. I had different views before we became pregnant with Oliver. After our journey, so much has changed. If I can carry my son to give him a f

You Found My Way Back

Oliver - When I was around 15/16 years old, your Tio Ivan got very sick. Things changed drastically. We knew that he was handicapped. We knew that our family would never have 'normal'. But this - this was just not fair. I became very angry. I was so upset that my big brother had to go through this pain. That my big brother was in the hospital for months and that he was suffering. I became so angry with God. Why would He do this to us? Your Tio Ivan is a strong believer. He has seen God. He has had those experiences. He has a connection to God that many people don't have. So again, I ask him Why? I turned away from Him. I became angry. My faith was non-existent. Why should such a beautiful soul go through this pain? It took me years to find my way back. In a way, I never truly found my way back. That is, until you came about. When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was terrified. Truly terrified. I told your Daddy not to tell anyone, because I was convinced I would m

Dear Oliver, Happy 6 month Birthday

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I can't believe it has been 6 months already. Time is going by so quickly, yet so slow. There are so many things I want to do with you. I want to take pictures of you every month, showing how much you are changing and growing. I wish I would have done more with you while I was pregnant. I tried to make as many memories as possible. We recorded your heartbeat while I was about 6 months pregnant with you. I had read that other mothers had done that as keepsakes with their babies. I am so glad we did that. I haven't listened to it in awhile. It instantly breaks my heart to hear it. I remember the day we recorded it. I was laying in bed and your Daddy recorded it on his phone. The gel would make you move and you would always push back on the wand. I loved to see you wiggle while we tried to listen to you. You already had a little wild personality. We listened to your heartbeat so much. It truly comforted me - because it meant we were still together. I feel like I failed you, being

You Were In My Dreams..

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You were in my dreams last night It felt so good to see you You were in my dreams last night It felt so good to hold you You were in my dreams last night These moments felt so real You were in my dreams last night These moments I will cherish You were in my dreams last night It felt so good to kiss you You were in my dreams last night It felt so good to see you I love you Oliver.  I can't wait for our next dream date. 

This Time Last Year

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One year ago yesterday, a Thursday night around 7:30 pm, I took a pregnancy test. It was the first month we were trying. It was the day my expected period was due. The odds were I wasn't pregnant. I took the test on a whim. I screamed when I saw the positive. I was alone at home. Andrew was at a friends house. I called my mom, my best friend at the time, and my gay. Two out of three of those people are still in my life. I didn't want to tell Andrew over the phone or via text. When he got home, he was shocked to say the least. He said "you said it wouldn't happen this fast." I honestly didn't think it would. I miscarried when I was 17 years old. Since then I have had irregular periods and been diagnosed with PCOS. They doctors told me I don't ovulate every month with the expectation that when I wanted to get pregnant, fertility pills would probably be the route we would need to go. I told those who knew, not to tell anyone because of my past and ovarian iss

I am a mother, and so much more.

I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am daughter-in-law. I am a little sister. I am a big sister. I am a sister-in-law. I am a cousin. I am an aunt. I am a Godmother. I am a Goddaughter. I am a niece. I am a grand-daughter. I am a Christian. I am a woman. I am a Puerto-Rican. I am a friend. I am pro-life. I am a writer. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am a comedian. I am a skeptic. I am sarcastic. I am harsh. I am realistic. I am faithful. I am a believer. I am tattooed. I am a college graduate. I am a pet parent. I am an observer. I am sensitive. I am proud. I am loved. I am happy. I am sad. I am broken-hearted. I am a fighter. I am a chef. I am a bargainer. I am an artist. I am loud. I am terrified. I am fearful. I am loyal. I am a loss mom. I am Oliver's Mom.  That is my most important role.  My son is my biggest accomplishment.  That being said, I am all of these things. Yet, I have lost so many because no one knows what to say. Everyone has hardships, but tha

Caught off Guard..

Today was a hard day. I thought I was getting stronger, getting more comfortable talking about Oliver and how he isn't here. Clearly, I was wrong. A woman I was speaking to on the phone, in another state, that I had never spoken to before, somehow heard from a co-worker that I had just had a baby. She wanted to say congratulations. She was trying to be nice. I feel bad for her. All she had to say was "I heard you just had a baby" and I fell silent. I was caught so off guard. I didn't even answer her. Finally I said "Oh" and she replies, "Did you?", as if I was rude by not answering her or saying thanks. I said "Um yeah I did, thanks, he passed away" At this point, all I want to do is run and throw up. My whole body was in shut down mode. I needed to cry and I needed to be alone. She of course apologized 3 times while we were on the phone. It wasn't her fault. Who told her had a baby? Did she think I was someone else? Was this just an

If it meant I could hold him again...

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The first and last picture I have of our son. That day, I knew our journey had ended. I knew in my gut that it was time for us to say goodbye. We were finally going to be able to see what this little boy looked like. All of the ultrasounds were so vague, just enough to see movements. The 3D ultrasound wasn't even an option, being that we had no amniotic fluid. One part of me felt cheated, that I could see everyone else have these and I wouldn't be able to. The other part felt excited, that we were going to have a complete surprise and not have any ultrasound pictures to compare him to. Since we couldn't have the 3D with Oliver, we will follow that with our future children. Why? Because, if we do this with the next child, I will forever have a bitter taste that I did it for one child, but not the other. I want to try and have the same keepsakes for each child. I have such a fear that I will not be able to keep his memory alive, that I won't be able to include him

When that day comes...

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Everything would be better if he was here.  It seems like the days are getting longer and the nights are getting harder. All I want is to come home to a growing little boy and to stare at his adorable facial expressions and watch him learn about the world around him. I envy those who get to do that and I feel so wrong to say that. I know God gave us Oliver because he knew we would be strong enough to handle what journey we would have ahead of us. Being strong doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Being strong doesn't mean it gets easier. Being strong doesn't mean that this pain will eventually go away. Being strong was making the decision to carry to term despite the fatal diagnosis we were given by numerous doctors. Being strong meant becoming parents immediately and making decisions for our child before we thought we needed to. We chose to carry Oliver and give him the chance and life he deserved. I can still feel him kicking. I remember that day so vividly when he stoppe

No pain, Just love

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I feel so selfish, wishing that he was here. If he was here, he would be in pain. He would be on numerous medications, preparing for a kidney transplant. That was the "the best outcome" diagnosis. If he survived, we would be jumping through hoops to keep him alive. It seems so selfish. I know he had to go because his life wasn't meant to be full of pain and struggles. His life was supposed to only know love. He lived for 34 weeks and 5 days in my womb. My womb of love. We formed a bond, we knew eachother, we loved eachother and that love, that bond continues to grow. I understand why he had to go, but accepting that is a completely different story. I look forward to the day I get to hold him and see that he has known no pain, just love. Every morning I wake up knowing its  one more day closer to seeing you again.  I love you Oliver

11 Weeks Already...

11 weeks ago we met our son. 11 weeks ago we said goodbye. 11 weeks ago our lives changed forever. It is so hard for me to not be angry every day. Why is my son gone? Why did he have to leave? Why didn't we get any answers? Why? It is just absolutely not fair. I should be sleep deprived right now, and not because I cry every night, hoping I will wake up the next morning to this just being a nightmare. I should be freaking out about this being the last week at home with Oliver. I should still be home, watching him grow, seeing his eyes wander, staring at him in awe. I shouldn't be at work, hiding my tears, having to cry in the bathroom, trying to avoid any awkward moment. I should be causing some sort of facebook havoc with the amount of photos I am uploading of him and getting all the oooos and awwws from family, friends, acquaintances and strangers. I should still have friends. Friends who are asking to come visit or go out to lunch, so they can see Oliver. Not friends who h

2012

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The year 2012 has been the best and worst year of our lives. We found out that we would be expecting our first child and that joy was ripped from us too early. We got to hear Oliver's heart beat and feel him move. The joy of ultrasounds was taken from us early, being that we had no fluid, we couldn't do the elective ultrasounds. We were lucky I had enough to at least tell us that he was a boy! We learned how to support one another in a hard situation, how to be there through thick and thin. We got to meet and hold our son and spend an unforgettable 24 hours looking at his beautiful face and capturing those memories with an obnoxious amount of pictures. As many as we have, they will never be enough. We had to leave the hospital -  without our son. We filled out cremation paperwork and picked out an urn. We received a death certificate in the mail for Oliver, which took my breath away and brought me to tears instantly. We were married on his due date. In 2012 we had a beautifu