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Showing posts from 2016

We are a non-traditional "blended family"

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{guest piece for  www.laitdelavie.com } [blend·ed fam·i·ly] noun NORTH AMERICAN a family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships ___________________________________________________________________ Traditionally, blended families consist of his, hers, and ours. We are a non-traditional blended family. As time goes on - we are becoming the norm - however - it is a mouthful to explain to those who ask about our dynamic. Especially - now that Jaxin has started Kindergarten. I've drawn a "non-traditional" family tree. The kids are listed first - because they are the priority and who really matter in this world of ours.  Now the fun part - the explanation. Jaxin was the first born out of this wild group. He was born in 2011 - to Devin & Jayce. Jayce is my little brother. A high school romance created this handsome little man - who has brought so much love and light into our home and h

That Time of Year Again

We are winding down into Holiday time as the end of the year approaches. Ever since we had Oliver, the holidays have such a different level of anxiety for me. Holiday pictures, events, gatherings - I strive to make sure all of my children feel special. I want to make sure that we can look back as a family and know that everyone  felt involved.  Easier said than done. So much time gets away with us as these days fly by. It is as equally exhausting as it is amazing. At first, with just Oliver & Jaxin, it wasn't that difficult as a task to meet. Now, we have Oliver, Jaxin, Olive and Opal. [side note: we wanted one child.  we all see how that played out :) ] I want my kids to feel my love - but to not have one feel less than the other. I worry that I try to hard to include Oliver -- that I almost let my grief over shadow the happiness of the holiday time. I try to make sure Olive and Jaxin feel equal with time and attention -- which often times ends up as scolding mo

October 24, 2012

October 25,2012 - we said Hello & Goodbye to our first born son. And while that day is one of the most meaningful days of my life - October 24 is just as powerful.  October 24, 2012 - I learned how strong of a bond Oliver and I had. I knew his routine. I knew his touch in my womb. I knew his heartbeat. So when I went to bed the night of the 23rd - I knew that October 24 may be a very scary day.  That morning I woke up - Andrew was already out of the house. I didn't go to work because I knew I would need to call the doctor.  I had a soda the night before in hopes to get him moving. His heart rate was slowing down when I checked before I went to sleep.  I got my Doppler and checked for his heart rate. Nothing.  Silently freaking the hell out.  I called my mom. No answer. She was getting her hair done. I called the salon. Told her it was time. I went to my parents to wait for my mom to go to the doctor with me. I checked for his heart rate again. Nothing. 

It is always His plan, not our own.

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I had a plan, that by the time I was twenty-five years old I would have had a child. I became pregnant when I was twenty three years old - on our first cycle of trying. We were both so shocked it happened so fast but so excited at the same time. At our very first appointment - about 9 weeks - we were told everything looked great. There was a heartbeat and a little peanut growing away. I had originally opted out of the NT scan between 12-13 weeks and then changed my mind. I wanted another ultrasound to have more pictures of my little bean. It was at that appointment that this plan of mine took a turn. We were told that we needed to see a high risk doctor and from that appointment on was just continued confirmation that our little boy had a fatal diagnosis. I was quickly reminded that it is never our plan but His above. We chose to carry to term despite his fatal diagnosis. I couldn't end my child's life - I was, am, and will always be his mother. I became an advocate for my so

Twenty-Eight Years

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Yesterday I turned 28. I received so many birthday wishes - thank you all for that.  I still felt pretty incomplete without my son Oliver and my brother Ivan.  I went to my moms and stayed at her house. I went on a walk with Opal and took that time to pray. I feel really lost lately and I am asking God for a lot right now. As I ended my prayer - I saw a green butterfly. That was my brother. Ivan wanted to make sure he said happy birthday to me.  When I went inside and told my mom - I was still a little sad. My brother sends a lot of signs. Oliver didn't live on earth - there wasn't any items I could attach him to.  I am in a "mom group" and a mom was looking for ideas for something to send to another loss mama who recently lost her baby. I told her whatever gift if perfect - because thinking of her and her baby is gift enough. I said I would have loved for a reminder of my boy when I said goodbye from a friend. She took it upon herself to send me this. This was weeks

Back to the Basics

I've been debating speaking my mind on this. There have been so many posts and so many things said. First things first -- I pray for all of those affected by this tragedy, those affected directly and indirectly. The lives lost - may they not be in vain. That all of these beautiful people that now exist above us - instead of beside - may be remembered always as the beautiful people they are. I pray that their loved ones have love, strength, and healing on this journey of mourning. As I have just brought another new child into this world - it really saddens me that we are experiencing another tragedy. Two tragedies back to back - both unnecessary and heartbreaking.  I've seen a post circulate saying  "I wouldn't change my children for the world, but I wish I could change this world for my children." I am not sure what has happened - or why. This world we live in - is a beautiful world - filled with so many beautiful people - but there has been some

Home Birth: Opal Maize

Opal Maize was born at 12:59pm on April 19th 2016.  However, the journey to labor started days before this.  Once I hit 40 weeks - I was frustrated and not sure why I was still pregnant. This was baby number 3. Having to remind myself that 42 weeks is acceptable to go up to. Was I holding in a fear? Was I too stressed to allow my body to go into labor? Who knew.  I did a fear release meditation, birth imagery meditation and prayed a lot about welcoming Opal earth side.  At my appointment - I was 40 weeks and 1 day. I asked for a membrane sweep to be done. I was about 3-4cm dilated.  No change after that appointment. Got a pedicure on the weekend - hoping the massage would hit the pressure points to induce labor. Bounced on my birth ball, did squats, walked. Nothing. No sign.  Sunday - I reached out to my midwives, as I woke up again crying that I was still pregnant. They said I could come in Monday for another sweep.  Monday morning I also made an appointment with a chiropractor - reco

40 weeks 4 days with Opal Maize

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40 Weeks & 4 days with Miss Opal Maize I am still pregnant with my third baby! It has definitely been a journey to this point.  Hey Fun Fact!! Only FIVE percent of babies are born on their due date! And going to 42 weeks - is totally normal!  Many people know this about me, and some don't. I have always wanted a natural home birth. I looked into it with Oliver - but at 12 weeks - we received his fatal diagnosis - and I knew we were going to have a different birth plan.  At 34 weeks 5 days - our little man was born sleeping and called Home. The most beautiful and heartbreaking experience of my entire life. We were blessed to become pregnant with Olive just about 5 months after having Oliver. I went to a birth center and looked into a home birth as well. But I was still so raw. My heart needed so much healing. We never got the answers to why Oliver was sick. Did I need a NICU staff? Did we need immediate care for her? Who knew. So we stayed the hospital rou

34 weeks 5 days

I was 34 weeks and 5 days into my pregnancy when it was time so say hello & goodbye to Oliver.  At 34 weeks and 5 days - my life as I knew it - would change.  During my pregnancy journey with Olive - I was filled with emotion approaching and passing this milestone.  And as we approach this date now, on our journey with Opal - the same emotions are flooding in. I find myself eagerly completing kick counts and checking in mentally and emotionally with all of my babies.  With each child my life has changed - for the better. I am still very much mourning Oliver and his transition from here with me to up above. I honestly don't know that the mourning will ever end. Nor, that I want it to.  Oliver would be - IS - three and a half years old today. I know that he held Olive's hand and guided her to me. And I know he is doing the same for Opal.  We are getting closer to our due date - and I ask only for continued love, prayers and positive vibes sent our way.  Opal, Olive & Jaxi

"It's a girl"

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Before we found out we were pregnant again, I had dreams that my next baby would be a boy. I  felt emotionally and mentally ready to carry and birth another little boy.  I was so thankful that Olive was a girl - and I didn't have to face that emotional journey of a little boy so soon after Oliver. I knew I was not even close to ready with her pregnancy. Once we did get pregnant with this baby {Opal}, we swore this baby was a boy. I felt in my heart that this baby would be a boy. I so longed for a little boy.  Gender disappointment. It's real. And it doesn't feel good. I had such a hard time accepting that this baby was a girl. I've had three ultrasounds and still don't feel 100%. All have confirmed that she indeed, is a girl.  I have felt so horrible and guilty - wishing for anything other than a healthy baby. How dare I be picky? How dare I long for a certain gender when I first hand know what it's like to give birth and come home without your baby?  It's t

Hypnobirthing - Opal's Home Birth

It's been awhile since I have posted.  I'll get to that in another post.  Last night I had my first session of Hypnobirthing.  I wanted to have a natural home birth with Oliver. However, as many of you know - that was not an option. At 12 weeks that idea and want of mine was taken away.  I went and checked out a birth center when I was pregnant with Olive, but my emotions were not ready to allow me to have that either. I was too paranoid and too concerned that we needed a back up  at the hospital. Since Oliver was never diagnosed with a "condition" - the hospital made a better option for my peace of mind and heart.  After I had Olive - I said that her birth - brought healing to my heart. I birthed a beautiful baby girl - perfect and healthy in every way. A beautiful blessing from above.  That said - I still was longing for healing of my body. I have held a lot of guilt on my body for having so many losses. It was a constant thought - "if and when I get pregnant a