That Time of Year Again

We are winding down into Holiday time as the end of the year approaches.

Ever since we had Oliver, the holidays have such a different level of anxiety for me.

Holiday pictures, events, gatherings - I strive to make sure all of my children feel special. I want to make sure that we can look back as a family and know that everyone felt involved.  Easier said than done. So much time gets away with us as these days fly by. It is as equally exhausting as it is amazing.

At first, with just Oliver & Jaxin, it wasn't that difficult as a task to meet. Now, we have Oliver, Jaxin, Olive and Opal.

[side note: we wanted one child. 
we all see how that played out :) ]

I want my kids to feel my love - but to not have one feel less than the other. I worry that I try to hard to include Oliver -- that I almost let my grief over shadow the happiness of the holiday time. I try to make sure Olive and Jaxin feel equal with time and attention -- which often times ends up as scolding more (as 2.5 & 5.5 year olds can either be best friends or enemies depending on the moment and toy in question) . Now - we have Opal in the mix -- and since she is exclusively breast fed - she is literally always on me. Always.

Mom guilt is a hard, hard thing. It takes constant reminders to myself that I am doing the best I can. Moms everywhere - you are doing the best you can. 

Each year - seems like it gets harder for me - my mourning of losing Oliver. Mainly in part - that I am seeing my kids grow. I am seeing the milestones, faces, reactions, attitudes, experiences - of all my other kids. Oliver was my first - and now I can compare each step of the way. Bittersweet. I love that I can place his memory and feel his presence - and I think it's healthy to allow myself that. If I were to bottle that up or limit my feelings - it would make this journey so much more sad and difficult. 

I know when the kids are older - they will understand this journey we have been on. They will learn to understand what Heaven is - and why sweet Oliver is above us and not beside us. Right now, I hope they feel equally loved  - including Oliver.  I like to think he knows when we have "our" time. For example - when I bought his Christmas stocking -- I like to think that he was with me in that moment - and for that moment - he was with me and I was with him - we shared a moment together. 

The Holidays are hard, and will never be the same. I know that I am trying - and I know I am trying my best. I hope my kids can look back on these times and see that. - I hope I can too,

Cherish your time with your loved ones this season. Remember what is important. Talk about things that make you laugh. Laugh until you cry. Hug and love each other. Memories are so very important. For they are the only things we have left once these days are gone. 

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