If it meant I could hold him again...

The first and last picture I have of our son.

That day, I knew our journey had ended. I knew in my gut that it was time for us to say goodbye. We were finally going to be able to see what this little boy looked like. All of the ultrasounds were so vague, just enough to see movements. The 3D ultrasound wasn't even an option, being that we had no amniotic fluid. One part of me felt cheated, that I could see everyone else have these and I wouldn't be able to. The other part felt excited, that we were going to have a complete surprise and not have any ultrasound pictures to compare him to. Since we couldn't have the 3D with Oliver, we will follow that with our future children. Why? Because, if we do this with the next child, I will forever have a bitter taste that I did it for one child, but not the other. I want to try and have the same keepsakes for each child. I have such a fear that I will not be able to keep his memory alive, that I won't be able to include him enough, that his brothers, sisters, cousins, family won't know how amazing and beautiful he is. 

We got to meet our son 
to say goodbye 24 hours later.
We watched his body change and 
felt our lives changing at the same time. 
Those were the most amazing 
yet excruciating hours of our lives. 

I would re-live them in an instant if that meant I could hold him again.  

I love you Oliver. 

Comments

  1. NeliFebruary 9, 2013 at 8:34 PM

    I love you Oliver.

    ReplyDelete
  2. CatherineFebruary 10, 2013 at 10:29 AM

    Your first and last pictures of Oliver looks so much like our first and last pictures of our son. Oliver is so beautiful - I can imagine how thrilled you were to finally meet him. I didn't have any amniotic fluid either, so we also didn't get to have a 3D ultrasound... doctors couldn't even tell us the gender, so it was such an amazing surprise when he was born.

    ReplyDelete

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