Caught off Guard..

Today was a hard day. I thought I was getting stronger, getting more comfortable talking about Oliver and how he isn't here. Clearly, I was wrong. A woman I was speaking to on the phone, in another state, that I had never spoken to before, somehow heard from a co-worker that I had just had a baby. She wanted to say congratulations. She was trying to be nice. I feel bad for her. All she had to say was "I heard you just had a baby" and I fell silent. I was caught so off guard. I didn't even answer her. Finally I said "Oh" and she replies, "Did you?", as if I was rude by not answering her or saying thanks. I said "Um yeah I did, thanks, he passed away" At this point, all I want to do is run and throw up. My whole body was in shut down mode. I needed to cry and I needed to be alone. She of course apologized 3 times while we were on the phone. It wasn't her fault. Who told her had a baby? Did she think I was someone else? Was this just an awkward coincidence? Either way, it put me in a place where I didn't want to be.


I cried as hard as I did when I had to leave him at the hospital. 
I have cried like this since we found out he was going to leave us.
I will cry like this until I am with him again.

This is my new normal.
 My son is gone 
and that's our journey now. 

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