Those last few days..

Every single day since I have met my beautiful baby boy - I have replayed the last few days I got to spend with him. I vividly remember sitting at work, drinking a soda, trying to get him moving. I remember slowly and silently starting to panic. I went to my moms as usual after work, had another soda, then went home. Did the doppler at home and noticed his heartbeat wasn't as high as normal. I didn't mention any of my worries to my husband, I wanted to give it some more time before I put worry in everyone else. I went to sleep that night and noticed I didn't feel his midnight dance party. That morning I didn't go to work. I waited for Andrew to leave the house, then I took the doppler out. Nothing. No heartbeat. I called my mom's cell. No answer (and naturally I called several times, as one does when someone doesn't answer their first call). I called my parents house and talked to my dad. He offered to come pick me up, but I said I would just drive over. I called the hair salon where my mom was at and made them find the little spanish lady with blonde hair and said that I am pregnant and need her stat. She gets on the phone, she washes her dye out and runs home. We go to the doctor, and the ultrasound confirms my baby has passed.

I think - what if I would have run to the ER the night before when I knew his heart was slowing down? What if I would have been able to have had an emergency c-section and meet my baby alive? Would I have been able to hear his cry? Or would I have just caused him pain and stress? Would I have been able to even hold him? Or would they have taken him straight to be poked and stuck with machines? Would he have passed before I got to hold him?

My birth plan said that the goal was to meet Oliver alive. God had another plan. He guided me the entire way. His plan was for me to love my baby boy as much as I possibly could and to keep him safe. His plan was to have this beautiful baby boy bring me back to my faith and to share how this little miracle has forever changed my life. I chose life for my son, when I was told to abort. I did everything I could to give my son all he needed while we spent out time together.

I long to have those days back with my son. But I know this life is only temporary. I know that when I get to Heaven - Oliver will be placed in my arms and my family will be together as one.