He made me a mother...

When a child dies, the mother inside does not. 
In fact, her instincts have just greatly intensified.
She is now more than ever before, an advocate for her child.


34 weeks and 5 days. 
That is how long I had with my son.  In that short amount of time, I had to make more life changing and heart wrenching decisions for my child than most of those have to do in a lifetime with theirs. In that short amount of time, my husband and I had to meet with several doctors, making decisions on ending his life, or having hope and letting God and our son make that decision. In that short amount of time, we had to discuss the health plan if our son would have lived outside of the womb, comfort care or life saving measures. In that short amount of time, I was dealing with a mix of excitement for our first born son and mourning the loss of our first born son. In that short amount of time, my husband and I had to decide on the funeral home to cremate our beautiful son. In that short amount of time, we became parents, a mother and a father. 

Oliver may not be here physically, but he is here with me every second of every minute of every hour of every single day. He has never left me, as I have never left him. He is not here to speak for himself, to share his journey, to show his accomplishments. That is my job, that is what I do on a daily basis. Those who speak his name, those who remember him with me, are proof that I am doing my job. Proof that I have not failed as a mother. Oliver is working through me constantly and I am forever grateful I was chosen to be his mother. Oliver made me a mother, his mother, the mother I am today. 

We have been blessed with our daughter who will be arriving in the next 6 weeks. She is a gorgeous, strong, and amazing little girl, who is being guided by her older brother. He is watching over her every step of the way. I am a mother to a beautiful son and a gorgeous daughter.

For those who say 
"You will be such a good mother" or "For the mom to be"
Thank you, however please realize
I already am. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

About Time

Image
This past weekend, myself and 7 strong, beautiful mamas all met for the first time. Except, we already knew each other on such a deep level. I can only speak for myself, but it didn't feel like meeting for the first time. The hugs we greeted each other with - were so full of emotion and love.   We have been part of each others live for so long - over 5 years - that it was about time   we made this happen. We have supported one another in the births and deaths of our children. We have confided in each other about the ups and downs we all experience in life. Our babies brought us together, but we connected on so much more.  Ben, Addison, Grace, Oliver, Sloane, Penny, Evan, Ella Those beautiful 8 babies changed our lives. Never did we expect that we would become pregnant, just to find out that we would be provided a fatal diagnosis. Yet, that's what happened. With the online forums that exist, we were all able to find each other pretty quickly after receiving a diagnosis
Read more

This is not what I pictured

Image
____________________________________________________________________ This is not the way I imagined taking photos with my baby boy. Holding an urn, looking down, trying to keep it together for a photo. This is not what I imagined what my life would be when I wanted to start a family. Yet, here I am. Living my life with part of my heart in Heaven and part of it here. I haven't written in awhile. When I try to write I feel this weight on my chest. I miss my son. I don't understand why his life was cut short. I don't know why I wasn't able to see the color of his eyes or hear him cry. It is a daily struggle with reminding myself that it is not for me to understand. I still struggle with thinking I could have done something differently, thinking that I had any control. This feeling, this heaviness has kept me from writing as much. This feeling, this heaviness is why I started writing in the first place. Talking about Oliver's journey, the words weren't easy to s
Read more

Dear Oliver

Dear Oliver, It has been awhile since I have written to you. I have so many emotions about that. I think about you every second of every day. I talk about you every day. I wake up thinking about you, I go to bed thinking about you. None of that has changed. __________________________________________________________________________ They say there are five stages of grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance For your first 5 years plus our pregnancy - I bounced between the first three stages. How could this have happened? Why did this happen? I prayed for you -- what did I do to deserve this? I was thankful and grateful for you - despite the fact that we are not physically together. I would dream that you were still alive, here - with me, just to wake up without you. I would cry - but also smile thinking of how beautiful you are. You made me a mother - you made us a family.  The fourth stage - depression - that hit this past year. Har
Read more