Dear Oliver

Dear Oliver,

I wanted to write to you the day your sister was born. I have been so overwhelmed with mourning your passing and praising your sisters arrival. My emotions are all over the place.

Your baby sister has been with us for one week now and you have been with us the entire time. I love telling her about her brother. She is so blessed to have you in her life. Her birth was a great experience and I know that is because of you. You were my focal point. Every contraction I thought of you. I thought of how beautiful you are, how brave and strong you were during our journey together. You were my strength during that time. And now you are my strength now more than ever.

From the moment she was laid down on my chest my heart has somehow been able to feel broken yet so full at the same time. As I look at her and gaze into her beautiful eyes I can't help but dream of you being here with us.  I know you are in a perfect place - where you are healthy and happy. I just want to bring you home to be with me, your daddy and your new baby sister.

I feel you with me everyday. I feel you with me right now. I know you are loving on me right now while these tears run down my face. You are reminding me that you love me and that we will be together again as a family. That we will have an eternity together.

I love you Oliver, you are my perfect baby boy. 

Love,
Mommy 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

About Time

Image
This past weekend, myself and 7 strong, beautiful mamas all met for the first time. Except, we already knew each other on such a deep level. I can only speak for myself, but it didn't feel like meeting for the first time. The hugs we greeted each other with - were so full of emotion and love.   We have been part of each others live for so long - over 5 years - that it was about time   we made this happen. We have supported one another in the births and deaths of our children. We have confided in each other about the ups and downs we all experience in life. Our babies brought us together, but we connected on so much more.  Ben, Addison, Grace, Oliver, Sloane, Penny, Evan, Ella Those beautiful 8 babies changed our lives. Never did we expect that we would become pregnant, just to find out that we would be provided a fatal diagnosis. Yet, that's what happened. With the online forums that exist, we were all able to find each other pretty quickly after receiving a diagnosis
Read more

This is not what I pictured

Image
____________________________________________________________________ This is not the way I imagined taking photos with my baby boy. Holding an urn, looking down, trying to keep it together for a photo. This is not what I imagined what my life would be when I wanted to start a family. Yet, here I am. Living my life with part of my heart in Heaven and part of it here. I haven't written in awhile. When I try to write I feel this weight on my chest. I miss my son. I don't understand why his life was cut short. I don't know why I wasn't able to see the color of his eyes or hear him cry. It is a daily struggle with reminding myself that it is not for me to understand. I still struggle with thinking I could have done something differently, thinking that I had any control. This feeling, this heaviness has kept me from writing as much. This feeling, this heaviness is why I started writing in the first place. Talking about Oliver's journey, the words weren't easy to s
Read more

Dear Oliver

Dear Oliver, It has been awhile since I have written to you. I have so many emotions about that. I think about you every second of every day. I talk about you every day. I wake up thinking about you, I go to bed thinking about you. None of that has changed. __________________________________________________________________________ They say there are five stages of grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance For your first 5 years plus our pregnancy - I bounced between the first three stages. How could this have happened? Why did this happen? I prayed for you -- what did I do to deserve this? I was thankful and grateful for you - despite the fact that we are not physically together. I would dream that you were still alive, here - with me, just to wake up without you. I would cry - but also smile thinking of how beautiful you are. You made me a mother - you made us a family.  The fourth stage - depression - that hit this past year. Har
Read more