October 2017

6 weeks after I gave birth to Oliver, I went back to work. Since Oliver had passed away at birth, it was 6 weeks instead of 12. When I first found that out, I was upset. When those 6 weeks had passed, I felt like it was time for me to go back to work. I knew staying home wasn't going to bring him back - and it was time to adjust to my new normal.

Going back to work was rough. I arrived back the first day and my stomach was in knots as soon as I got inside the building. I went to the bathroom and just cried. 

Today, I had that same feeling. I was feeling angry, upset, stressed. And then it all hit me. As soon as I put my things down at my desk, I had to rush to the bathroom and just sobbed. My body aches for my Oliver. 

The month of October will never be the same for me. I have not been feeling myself for the past few days - and maybe even the past few weeks - knowing that this month was coming up. October 25 - my baby boy - my first born - will turn 5 years old. It has been 5 years since my baby was with me. The month of October was the last month he was with me and I was with him. 

I don't want to feel angry. I carry so much guilt. I feel guilty when I feel angry. I feel guilty when I am happy. An entire lifetime with my son was taken from me. A lifetime of milestones, a lifetime of memories. It is a daily struggle to remind myself - though I cannot have the same memories with Oliver, that I do with my living children - that we can still make memories together. I remind myself every morning and every night - that one day I will be reunited with Oliver - and we will all be together as a family again. I have to tell myself, there was a reason Oliver was called Home. The He had a plan - a plan before I even knew about Oliver. I was chosen to be his mother, and he was chosen to be my son. 

To all of the families experiencing this pain - I love you and pray for you. 
You are not alone. We are not alone. It takes a village. 



I love you Oliver, more and more. 
Not a day has passed that you are not on my mind and my heart. 
You are my reason for being. 
You, Jaxin, Olive & Opal. 
The four of you mean everything to me. 
I will love you for all of my days. 


This is a picture of Oliver I have never shared before.
I saw it in his photo album today. 
I can still feel how soft he felt.
I can still feel him in my arms.
My beautiful miracle baby. 

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