34 Weeks & 5 Days

Today we are 34 weeks & 5 days pregnant with Olive Juanita. She is moving around like a wild little girl and today I appreciate that more than ever.

34 weeks & 5 days was how long I was able to carry Oliver, before it was time for him to go home. He blessed me with that time, and I am forever thankful to Him for giving me that time to bond with my beautiful son.

It is still such a loud memory in my head, when the perinatologist told me that he wouldn't make it passed 16 weeks. When he actually referred to my son as "it". His exact words when I asked why I came in again so early after my last appointment were "to see if it was alive." 

 Before I became pregnant, that word didn't affect me. Because I didn't realize how it affected the parents. Hearing someone refer to my child as an "it" was so hurtful. As that appointment ended, I let that doctor know, I would not be returning to his office. I would so much like to let him know that my SON was beautiful, and yes he may have passed, but he beat the odds that he was given, and that is a true miracle.

I know that her moving in there so much today, despite how little room she has left, is a gift from my little boy & his baby sister. My babies are making me feel much better knowing that she is healthy,safe and working towards meeting her Mommy & Daddy.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

About Time

Image
This past weekend, myself and 7 strong, beautiful mamas all met for the first time. Except, we already knew each other on such a deep level. I can only speak for myself, but it didn't feel like meeting for the first time. The hugs we greeted each other with - were so full of emotion and love.   We have been part of each others live for so long - over 5 years - that it was about time   we made this happen. We have supported one another in the births and deaths of our children. We have confided in each other about the ups and downs we all experience in life. Our babies brought us together, but we connected on so much more.  Ben, Addison, Grace, Oliver, Sloane, Penny, Evan, Ella Those beautiful 8 babies changed our lives. Never did we expect that we would become pregnant, just to find out that we would be provided a fatal diagnosis. Yet, that's what happened. With the online forums that exist, we were all able to find each other pretty quickly after receiving a diagnosis
Read more

This is not what I pictured

Image
____________________________________________________________________ This is not the way I imagined taking photos with my baby boy. Holding an urn, looking down, trying to keep it together for a photo. This is not what I imagined what my life would be when I wanted to start a family. Yet, here I am. Living my life with part of my heart in Heaven and part of it here. I haven't written in awhile. When I try to write I feel this weight on my chest. I miss my son. I don't understand why his life was cut short. I don't know why I wasn't able to see the color of his eyes or hear him cry. It is a daily struggle with reminding myself that it is not for me to understand. I still struggle with thinking I could have done something differently, thinking that I had any control. This feeling, this heaviness has kept me from writing as much. This feeling, this heaviness is why I started writing in the first place. Talking about Oliver's journey, the words weren't easy to s
Read more

Dear Oliver

Dear Oliver, It has been awhile since I have written to you. I have so many emotions about that. I think about you every second of every day. I talk about you every day. I wake up thinking about you, I go to bed thinking about you. None of that has changed. __________________________________________________________________________ They say there are five stages of grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance For your first 5 years plus our pregnancy - I bounced between the first three stages. How could this have happened? Why did this happen? I prayed for you -- what did I do to deserve this? I was thankful and grateful for you - despite the fact that we are not physically together. I would dream that you were still alive, here - with me, just to wake up without you. I would cry - but also smile thinking of how beautiful you are. You made me a mother - you made us a family.  The fourth stage - depression - that hit this past year. Har
Read more