Dear Oliver

Dear Oliver,

Your Tio Ivan is with you now. But I think you already knew that on Monday. I haven't felt like this since I had to say goodbye to you. It doesn't feel right, giving a last kiss knowing it won't happen again.

I've told you before, but he knew. He knew that you were safe with God when you were still in my belly. He told your Buela that it's okay and you were okay.

Tio Ivan always had one foot in Heaven and one foot on Earth. He was so special. He had a connection with God that I hope I can one day have. I know that he is with you in Heaven and you both are healthy and whole. No pain for either of you. Just love.

I am so sad Oliver. I know you both are with me. I know you both will always be with me. He was the best big brother to your mama. He loved me so much and he always let me know. He gives the best hugs. Make sure you tell him that for me.

He loves Jaxin and Olive so much. And they love him so much. Olive gave him so many kisses in the hospital. She said bye-bye to her Tio. She is so big now and is such a loving little girl. Jaxin doesn't really know what is going on yet, but he gave Tio a big kiss and told him he loves him.

I miss you both so much. I don't understand why we have to be on this journey. But I know there is a purpose. I know that I will see you both again. I know that you are both taking care of each-other until I get there.

Tio Ivan touched so many lives, just as you did. He was a strong man. He made everyone smile and laugh. He inspired everyone he met. He accomplished so much during his 28 years on Earth. He loved you, so so much.

I love you both and I wish that I could say those words to you out loud and kiss your beautiful faces.

Let God know that your mama needs strength right now. Tell him to hold your Buela's hand.


Oliver, my sweet baby boy, we all love you and miss you. Tell Tio Ivan that we love and miss him too. That as each day goes on - that love will only increase and that not a day will ever go by that we aren't thinking of you.

I love you both with my whole heart.

- Mama

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

About Time

Image
This past weekend, myself and 7 strong, beautiful mamas all met for the first time. Except, we already knew each other on such a deep level. I can only speak for myself, but it didn't feel like meeting for the first time. The hugs we greeted each other with - were so full of emotion and love.   We have been part of each others live for so long - over 5 years - that it was about time   we made this happen. We have supported one another in the births and deaths of our children. We have confided in each other about the ups and downs we all experience in life. Our babies brought us together, but we connected on so much more.  Ben, Addison, Grace, Oliver, Sloane, Penny, Evan, Ella Those beautiful 8 babies changed our lives. Never did we expect that we would become pregnant, just to find out that we would be provided a fatal diagnosis. Yet, that's what happened. With the online forums that exist, we were all able to find each other pretty quickly after receiving a diagnosis
Read more

This is not what I pictured

Image
____________________________________________________________________ This is not the way I imagined taking photos with my baby boy. Holding an urn, looking down, trying to keep it together for a photo. This is not what I imagined what my life would be when I wanted to start a family. Yet, here I am. Living my life with part of my heart in Heaven and part of it here. I haven't written in awhile. When I try to write I feel this weight on my chest. I miss my son. I don't understand why his life was cut short. I don't know why I wasn't able to see the color of his eyes or hear him cry. It is a daily struggle with reminding myself that it is not for me to understand. I still struggle with thinking I could have done something differently, thinking that I had any control. This feeling, this heaviness has kept me from writing as much. This feeling, this heaviness is why I started writing in the first place. Talking about Oliver's journey, the words weren't easy to s
Read more

Dear Oliver

Dear Oliver, It has been awhile since I have written to you. I have so many emotions about that. I think about you every second of every day. I talk about you every day. I wake up thinking about you, I go to bed thinking about you. None of that has changed. __________________________________________________________________________ They say there are five stages of grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance For your first 5 years plus our pregnancy - I bounced between the first three stages. How could this have happened? Why did this happen? I prayed for you -- what did I do to deserve this? I was thankful and grateful for you - despite the fact that we are not physically together. I would dream that you were still alive, here - with me, just to wake up without you. I would cry - but also smile thinking of how beautiful you are. You made me a mother - you made us a family.  The fourth stage - depression - that hit this past year. Har
Read more